Have you seen my inspiration?

I have lost my inspiration.   Seriously.  I have done many things in my life, some I have done better than others.  Some of the things I would like to think I am good (or atleast semi-good) at include illustrations, graphic design, drawing on surfboards, drawing on skateboards, photography, writing funny/goofy poetry, drawing comics and producing music (mostly hip-hop and drum and bass).

Over the years I have done  a lot of all of the above.   As of the last few weeks (I am starting to think its even more) I have completely lost my inspiration.   No fresh ideas.  No original thought.  No creative influence.  No new imagination.  Nothing.  It's like I am looking at a giant white canvas (metaphorically) and holding a brush in one  hand and just can't seem to think where I should do my first brush stroke.

I am not sure what is bringing this on.  Perhaps its the weather.  NYC has been grey and dark for months now.  Perhaps its the lack of friends in this big city.   I tend to feed off peoples vibe into my art.  Perhaps its all the stress of the past few months.  Moving, smaller apartment, work, wife getting into school, etc.

I would like to tell myself "That is bulls**t" because I am an artist.  Artist don't stop getting inspiration when things are down.  Heck, we feed off of it.  Some great stuff has come out of really dark or lonely or stressful moments in my life.  So what is it?

Someone said to me "Perhaps you became content.  You got comfortable and your brain now is not stressed or the total opposite, creative.  It is just content.  It is taking a break."

I started to think about that.  Did I become content?  Did I drop down the metaphorical brush and walked away from the blank canvas to come back later?  Could I have possibly become what I never wanted to be?  Comfortable!

I don't mind comfort.  Certain things in life deserve comfort.   But comfort equals to satisfaction.  I should NOT be satisfied with my art.  I am an artist, we do not become satisfied with our work.  The whole lack of satisfaction is what drives us to want to keep going and do better and harder.  

For a while now, I have been told that I need to do something with my talents.  I have been told  I am letting my talents go to waste because I only use them between the hours of 9 to 6 doing graphic design work for my job and then it all shuts down afterwards.  I keep being told I should do something.  Start a business.  Start a gallery.  Start selling my stuff.  "You can be huge" they say.  "You can achieve so much with all you have to offer".   And yet, I stand still.  Standing in front of a big, giant canvas waiting for my arm to raise and start painting my future.  Nothing is happening.  

I need some inspiration damnit.  I wish I can go on ebay and place a bid on some damn inspiration.  I wish I could walk into a super market and go under the "creativity" isle and look at 17 brands of inspiration and buy the family bulk package.  I wish I could walk into a restaurant and order a super sized plate of inspiration to go (so I can take it home and eat it in front of a blank canvas).  But I can't.  Inspirations are like relationships.   They come, stay with you for a while and then they go until you find the "one".   The "one" being the inspiration that makes you get up day after day and roll with creativity into the world of success.  Many famous musicians found the "one" inspiration.  Some great painters too.  I, have not.    I have found the love of my life.  I have found friends I cherish.  But I have not found the "one" inspiration that makes me know what I should do, how I should do it and then get up every morning and do it.

So, I wait.  I wait for it to come because I honestly can't go searching for it.  I can go do some soul searching.  I can go try and "find" inspiration.  But that is not good.  It should come to me. 

I just hope it comes soon, because as someone said, I am letting my talents go to waste.  And talent, is a terrible thing to waste.

For now, the white canvas will remain white.  I hope soon, I can write that I have started painting on it.