Lie. The new way to say "Shut the *uck up!"

I used to have this friend ("used to" because at some point he decided that a certain white powder was more important and valuable to him then our friendship).  Lets call him Tyler.  Tyler was a bullsh*tter.  When he said things, he was not so much telling a lie, as he was telling the truth in a manner that was not false or accurate.  His whole life story is basically undetermined at this point.

For example, Tyler was an actor in Los Angeles.  Tyler was one of those guys who would tell you "I am so stoked, I finally get to achieve my life long dream of being in a movie with Edward Norton.  I am so stoked."  Tyler, was in a movie with Ed.  As an extra in one scene with 100 other Los Angeles pedestrian.  He was across the street, acting like he was on a cell phone.  You can actually see his elbow.

Tyler was also a comedian.  He once said "I finally get to do what every comedian dreams of doing and only a few get to, which is be on Saturday Night Live".   He was on SNL.  In the 4th row as the guy who claps simultaneously with 200 other people every saturday.

You see, Tyler only told you his life stories in a way where it would make it like he is doing more then he is.  Now I am a bullsh*tter myself.  Not so much like that.  I tend to accidently tell the stories wrong.  My teachers (as well as my wife) all said that I only hear the things I want to hear. 

This is most true when I came back from my first trip to Sweden after visiting my wife's family.  I told everyone that her grandfather once shot a german couple who were picking up berries on his property.  He killed the old man but he didn't go to jail because it was foggy and he thought he was shooting at a moose grazing.

In reality, it was not her grandfather.  They were not German, they were Norwegian or something, and he may or may not have died.  The person who actually shot, was someone completely not related but he happen to own a lot of land like my wife's grandfather.  I happened to grab all the words (gun, grandfather, foggy, shot) and forgot the words like (random man, alive, accidently) and somehow made my wife's family seem like felony makers.

All this leads to what happened today.  I have lied in the past to get out of trouble (like when I told my high school counselor that my grandmother is dyeing and I need to go to Israel for two weeks to see her.  In reality, my grandmother was fine and I spent the 14 days hanging out at Andy's house drinking none alcoholic beverages.).  I lie to get more for my money (like when I told the girl at Starbucks after I already ordered the muffin and coffee that I was $3 short of the total and she let me have the muffin anyway.  I actually had a $20 and my debit card).

Never had I found myself in a position to lie to just tell someone to mind their own business. 

Until today.

I work on the 11th floor of a high rise near Times Square (a.k.a Times Scare).  Our office is actually on the 10th, 11th and 12th floor.  The elevators in this office suck.  They run really slow, and take forever to come to your floor.  Lets not forget that they occasionally take you all the way up when you actually hit the lobby button.  Most people know this and hate it but deal with it.  Some, take it upon themselves to take the stairs as to not be troubled. 

Now I won't lie about this, but I am one lazy bastard when I leave work.  I tend to leave my computer on when I throw it in my bag because I have no patience to wait for it to shut down.   I tend to ask the receptionist to buzz me out instead of reaching for the key card out of my wallet and do it myself.  So it is no surprise that I wait for the sh*tty elevator instead of taking the stairs.  Especially when I need to go to the 10th floor from the 11th.  I know most of you (that would be 2 out of the 3 readers) would say "dude, you can't even walk down one floor?" to that I will say "*uck you!".  Ofcourse, I can not say that or use that kind of language in the workplace.  

So I get into the elevator to go to the 10th floor from the 11th to pick up my newspaper.  This lady, who works on the 11th who I never met, for all I know she could be the CEO's wife or even the CEO.  She gets in first and presses the Lobby button.  I enter and press the 10th button.

The lady lets out a half laugh.  You know the ones you make when you see someone do something stupid? the kind of half laugh that is usually delivered with a rude comment?

"You could have just taken the stairs you know" she says

Here I am, about to tell this women to shut her trap, and I think to myself that I need to play it safe.  Don't be rude.  So I lie.

"Actually, I had a really bad knee injury once from when I was skiing with the Big Brother group in Big Bear.  I took a slip after helping a Little Brother learn how to ski and my knee has never been the same.  Its a shame really, I stopped going on the trip.  I really miss those kids."

I said

I tell you, if I had said one more sentence or used the words "loved" instead of "miss", this lady would have been balling all over the elevator floor.  She actually grabbed her jacket around the heart area and tilted her head in embarrassment of even assume that I should have been fine to take the stairs.

I got off on the 10th floor (yes, I added a bit of a sloppy limp as I got off just for effect).  Later, I sat there and realized that I lied, but now I have two problems.  The first problem is that this may spread.  Next thing I know, someone will walk up and say "I heard what you did for those kids.  That's beautiful".  I will have to play this off.  What if I walk in the building without my limp and she is behind me?  Stressing isn't it?  The second problem is guilt.  For one, I feel guilty I lied by using the little brother story.  Second, I lied that I am officially disabled.  That is messed up.  Mostly, I feel guilty because I made the lady care.  I wanted her to piss off and mind her own business, but now, she has guilt of her own for telling me to take the stairs when apparently, I am a disabled guy who tried to make a difference in children's lives.  I feel guilt for giving guilt.  How F'ed up is that?

Should be interesting to see what happens.  If I ever get asked about it in the future, I can tell them to call the President of the Little Brother group.  His name is Tyler, and he is good friends with Edward Norton.