Jews have a lot of holidays. I think we have about 865 holidays each year. Atleast that is what it feels like. There is a holiday for when we were slaves in Egypt. A holiday for when we left Egypt. A holiday for when we ate in the desert while running from Egypt. A holiday for when we stopped at the gas station to use the bathroom and buy smokes on the way out of Egypt. Even a holiday when we realized we were back in Egypt because we been walking in a fuckin' circle for the first 39 years.
All holidays seem to be revolving around the same concept: How the Jews suffered.
A Holiday to celebrate how we were inslaved. A holiday to celebrate how we were at war. A holiday to celebrate how Mel Brooks didn't get that Oscar he so rightfully deserved.
We sure suffered a lot it seems. Atleast that is what they tell us when we are kids. I still don't know what half the holidays we celebrate are for. You have "Sukkot", where you build a homeless shelter in your backyard and decorate it with things to celebrate the Jews as they walked in the desert. I did not realize the Jews back in the day had a Michael's Arts and Craft stores in the desert to buy shit to decorate with.
Another holiday is "Purim" which is basically the ghetto version of Halloween. It is celebrating when the Jews were saved from extermination in Persia. One of the things you should do when celebrating is drink A LOT! "They tried to kill us, so lets drink to that!"
As I said, I don't get half the holidays, but I do know I have to be at my parents house for the holidays. When I lived in Los Angeles, I used to drive out to the folks for almost every holiday. But now as Fine Ass Swedish Wifey and I live in New York (which has more Jews then Los Angeles and the entertainment industry combined), it has become a lot harder to make it to the holidays.
And so, my mother is a Jew who is suffering, because her son can not make it to Rosh Hashanah this year. I guess since all the other holidays are about Jews suffering, perhaps we can start a new holiday in the name of my mother. :)
But in all seriousness, I feel guilty. I do. But fact is, that with us living in New York, and flights being so expensive, it is very difficult to make it out to LA for a weekend to celebrate. I know that Rosh Hashanah is one of the BIG/MAJOR holidays (in comparison to the other 820 much less significant holidays), but still.
So today I feel guilt. Which I guess is something they have a holiday for as well (see Yom Kippur).
Anyway, sorry mom. Perhaps her and my father should come celebrate Rosh Hashanah in New York. After all, this is much more realistic to the story. NYC has a crap load of Jews who are walking...much like the desert. So if anything, this is a great place to celebrate!
As guilty as I feel, atleast I am not a Scientologist. Because making a trip out to space for the holidays will be much more expensive.
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