Suggested Donations For A Cheap Bastard

I had my buddy visit over the weekend.  This kid is awesome.  Even more awesome is the fact that this guy has the best job ever (with the exception of the guy who oils up models at photoshoots).

My buddy has a job working for the Robb Report.  I was not sure what that was but then I picked one up at an airport and realized its like a Maxim magazine for rich men.  Seriously.  It has everything and anything you and I can never afford (yes, I know you can not afford it because if you could, you wouldn't be wasting time reading this blog now would you?).  I mean really, they should not even call it the Robb Report.  It should be like "Here Is The Coolest Shit Ever And You Can't Fuckin' Have It Report" magazine.  I mean, some of the things in there were like straight out of a James Bond movie.  "Oh, here is a watch that can be used as a toaster! Only $49,000".  

I am not sure who reads these magazines.  Obviously rich people, but I would think rich people don't even bother reading.  They probably have people working for them and they just say "Hilda! Take this magazine and read it.  Then come back to me and tell me what I should buy.  Then go to Julius and tell him to order it.  When it arrives, tell Burton to play with it and have him tell me what it was like.  I am too rich to use my own toys."

Either way, people must read it because my buddy has a full time job there.  So what does my buddy do? He test drives cars for the magazine and then writes reviews about it.  That is the coolest thing ever.  I wish they could do this stuff on Facebook for example.  Someone goes on a date with a chick, then writes a review and that way, other dudes can decide if she is worth dating.  

"The new Sarah Fartelli is fun and sophisticated.  My only issue is that her mood takes sharp turns and heads for the worst.  When she asked about my previous relationships, I tried to slam the breaks but to no luck and went straight into stories I thought I left behind in deep dark places.  She handles well when I took her out for a test drive but over all, I think she is not that much different then the Sarah Fartelli Ex Series.  I think you all are better waiting for the next version or just go and get yourself the new Monica Seduction Series.  Much cheaper and has a top that comes off...and who doesn't enjoy that!"

Anyway, my buddy was sent here to NYC to test drive some hot new car that I will never be able to afford let alone pronounce correctly.  I am still not sure if its Jaguar, or Jag-You-Are (as in Jack You Off), or Jag-uaray....same thing with Porche. Porshe'. Pur-sh.  I don't know.  That is why I like things like the Kia Sportage.  Anyone can say it.  Sportage.  Easy.  It's not Sport-a-ge'. Just effin' Sportage!

So he stays at my place and we hang out.  We go out to check out NY one day and we jump to the MET.  For those who don't know, the MET is the Metropolitan Museum of Art.   Not to be confused with the Metro Museum for the subways or the Metro Sexual Museum for those who are straight but still in-touch with their feminine side.  

For anyone who has not visited the MET, you should know that there is no official cover charge.  The admission is by donations.  Now they have "suggested" donation of $20.  I would suggest people try wrestling a bear at least once in their life, that don't necessarily make it a good idea.

The thing with "suggested" is that its what the owners think it should be.  Well, I think my artwork is worth $5000 dollars, but I wouldn't sell it for that much because then I would be living in a cardboard box at the 42nd street station with a shitload of artwork.  Here is the thing, if its by donations, you can't get mad at me if I hand over $3 to you instead of a $20. 

You ever had a friend invite you out and you said "maybe, not sure yet" and then something came up and you didn't go out with them?  Well, if they got mad at you for that then they are a shitty friend.  Because you never promised anything.  You gave the word that you "may or may not".  Same goes with the MET.  I may or may not give you a $20, but if I don't, don't get all mad at me and give me that look.  You know the look, the one you used to get from your siblings whenever you found the "Afikoman" on Passover.  It's the "I fuckin' hate you right now" look.

So my buddy and I were trying to figure out what we should donate.  He was like "Should we give them a $10?"  and I was like "Each? Are you crazy?  Maybe $10 for both.  Or $10 for you, me and that group of boy-scouts and the 8 seniors behind us".

You see, I don't think I NEED to give a $20 or even a $10.  It reads donation.  I could by all means show up to the damn thing with an old lamp, some used pans and a crate of Barbra Streisand records.  Just donate that and let them open up a garage sale right infront of the Jeff Koons piece.  

By the way, total side bar note here:  If you haven't seen the Koons stuff on the roof, go check it out.  Big, giant balloon dog.  If Godzilla and King Kong had a bastard love-child and a luxury apartment on the Upper East Side, and then on a saturday afternoon in July, Mr. and Mrs. Kong decided to take their overweight, short tempered child to Central Park, I would imagine this is what they would buy him to stop him from killing people there.  It is visually neat.  Although I am really curious where he put the thing before he gave it to the MET.  Like, as he was working on it.  I can only imagine the directors of the MET coming over to his studio and he shows them the work he is making for the first time.  One of the directors is probably like "This is fantastic Mr. Koons.  Very well done I must say."   Meanwhile, the other director who is a bit of a jack ass probably follows up with "Can you make me a pony? like a giant balloon pony? Cause I don't like dogs.  To be honest, dogs are lame.  Everyone does dogs.  Dogs playing poker, dogs eating pasta.  It's been done.  Art has done dogs.  Do something new.  You know what? You should do a giant Barosaurus!  Just a big fuckin' Barosaurus fighting a T-Rex.  And you can put like pieces of other Barosaurus like as if he poped other ones with is teeth.  It will be fantastic!"

Meanwhile Jeff Koons is probably saying "What the hell are you smoking?"

But anyway, donation!  So, me and my buddy are trying to figure out how much to put in this thing because you don't want to be disappointed.  You know? It's like a movie.  Atleast with a movie you see a trailer.  Or you can know ahead of time if it is going to be good. But, here, I am committing for $10 to $20 and I am not sure how great the show will be.  I mean, its like going to a strip club during a blackout.  I wouldn't be throwing my bills at someone if I didn't know if she is really doing what she claims she's doing.  I want to see someone climb a poll using their kanckles (Knee/ankles for the hip talk illiterate).  I would never be like "I can't see you, but here is a $5".  Sorry.  That's where the saying "No Cash, No Ass" comes from.  Not sure if its an actual saying, but someone once said that to me and I figured it was legit.  But that's another story.

So my friend finally convinces me to pay the student "suggested" price which was $10.  Cause everyone knows that its ok to be nice, as long as you are lying.  He would rather me lie and say I was a student, and give the MET what they suggested they wanted, then seeing me keeping it real and giving them $2 and some food stamps.  

We got into the MET and saw some really goddi stuff.  Like, chairs and beds that were owned by Kings and emperors.  It was like a 16th century Robb Report.  Like back then they had a periodical that would come out called "Sir. Robb The III Report" and it has a crap load of stuff peasants can't afford.  Probably a guy just like my buddy test driving the new carriage. "I give this new Z-23 Carriage, four beer barrels.  It handled great when I was being chased by dragons and the wheel took a passed out peasants head right off when I drove over him."

The MET was cool.  Some naked statues.  Not really into that.  It's like being at a strip club in the summer.  Nobody wants to dance.  Just stand there.  

Overall, it was cool.  They claim to have a bar on the roof where the Koons baby Kongzilla toys are.  But really, it was a table with like 2 bottles and some ice coffee. 

Was it worth the $10?  Probably.  Although I would have paid less and then wouldn't have felt weird about leaving early.  It was fun.  I do recommend it.  If you don't have time, just pick up a copy of the Robb Report.  It's just like the MET.  A bunch of stuff you will never have.

Dogs and German G.I.Joe

When I was a kid living in Israel, my younger brother and I used to play games.  You know, like brothers.  Where one kicks the other and then you chase eachother around in circles.

Games in Israel were similar to games that people here in America probably played, but had a twist on them so that we can relate to them better.  Like, Americans had "Cops & Robbers". Everyone remembers Cops & Robbers!  Eveyone played that.  Well, in Israel we had that game too, except it wasn't called Cops & Robbers, no!  We had Arabs & Israeli Mosad.  One kid gets to be the arab militant and the other plays an Israeli Black-ops.  

Games in Israel were very odd.  But I played them with my brother.  Even dodgeball!  America has dodgeball.  We had dodgeball in Israel too.  Except we used rocks instead.  The finals were always played at the Gaza strip I think.  Don't quote me on that.  But anyway, I digress..

So my brother.  Him and I had a playful relationship.  We'd beat eachother up in a playful way. Of course someone always gets hurt and then our mother comes and breaks it up and then I would go play by myself until, well, I hurt myself as well.

But that is what brothers do.  I have a sister and I never played with her.  Cause girls want to play with dolls (some boys do too, but when they are old single men and their dolls have air in them, but nevermind that).  I never really could play with my sister.  It would be like her holding up Barbi and Ken (Yes, in Israel we had Barbi and Ken, except they were called Shoshanna and Rabi Goldblum).   My sister would hold them up and be like "ok, now they are on a date" and all I would do is come around the table with a giant plastic tank with G.I.Joes in it and say "ok, and now the Germans are taking them hostage!".   

My sister would be like "What? What are you doing? You can't be here with G.I.Joes!  What is this?"

"We are ze Germans!  You are hiding Jews arn't you?  We know you are hiding Shoshanna and her husband! Give them up now and we will spare your life!" I would reply.

Very twisted individual I was when I was a child.

So where am I going with all this? well, I now have two dogs.  Two Chihuahuas.  I know I know. A kid who played with G.I.Joes and played Arabs and Jews as Cops and Robbers...and he ends up growing up to owning Chihuahuas.  Disgraceful. 

But I do own two Chihuahuas and they too play very much like I did with my brother when I was a kid.  They probably have their own doggy version of Cops & Robbers.  Cats & Dogs or something.  They probably always argue about who has to play the cat each time:

"You have to be cat this time"

"No I don't. You be cat"

"Well I was cat last time.  You be cat, and then next time, I'll be cat"

"Well, what if a bus runs me over tomorrow.  I will not have a next time.  I don't want the last time I play Cats & Dogs to be that I have to be the cat!"

"Hey look, fuck you man.  It's your turn to be cat so you be cat!"

This probably goes on for hours.  But my dogs do play.  They run around the house and then they have this thing where one of them hides underneath the IKEA couch (see: old couch post).   One hides and the other runs around it and barks.  The one running around just barks at the couch trying to get the other dog out from underneath it.  It is hilarious.  In my head, all I can think the one running around barking is saying to the other:

"Comon'! Come out! Come on you pussy! I'll fuck you up! You better not come out! I got a knuckle sandwich for you when you come out!" (I know, dogs don't have knuckles, just bare with me).

But seriously, its a playful thing.  They do this for like 20 minutes or so.  One hides, one barks. It's like what I heard marriage is like after 20 years.  

So today I take the dogs out on a morning walk before I leave to work.  I have to, otherwise they do their business in the house and I have to clean it up which I don't like doing unless someone is paying me.   So as we walk down the stairs I see the neighbor who lives below us. She, apparently, has a puppy in her house.  Little tiny thing.  I don't even know what breed it is. It looked like Gizmo from Gremlins.  Not the cute furry one.  It looked like Gizmo after it got water on it and became all evil!  

When I got back from the walk, my dogs begged for a cookie and I had to give it to them. After all, it is the rule of the world.  You do something good, you get something in return.  I tried to convince this to my wife, but she always tells me "No!" for when I ask for sex when we come back from IKEA.  You would think, I behaved and walked around the fucking giant living rooms (seriously, its like walking in Al Capones house) and I deal with the lines and the subway ride, and then I get home... "Where is my cookie?"

But when I returned home this morning from the walk, the dogs started playing this little game.  One ran under the couch and the other started barking.  Now, the thing that I started thinking was "Oh shit.  The neighbor!"  I was thinking that not because they may wake her up (she was obviously already up).  I was thinking that because I started to feel bad for the puppy. Imagine being only a couple of months old.  Heck, your poop still looks like rabbit poop.  You still run into table legs because you havn't got this whole "walking on four legs" thing down yet. "Is it right left, right left? cause I have 4 fucking legs!  What the hell do I do with the other two while the first two are going right and left?"

The reason I was worried about the little puppy because here are my dogs barking at eachother and like I said, for all I know they could be saying to eachother "Come out from under the couch you pussy!  I will destroy you! You little chicken shit! Come on! Come out and fight like a man!" (like a male-dog I mean).   But you know, the dogs are probably talking a whole lot of shit.  Like me and my brother did when we played as kids.  Now here is this little puppy, one floor below us and he probably has no concept of neighbors.  My dogs have the concept of neighbors, we walk DOWN the stairs, so they see people on the way down and go "oh, hey, you are the people below us who always listen to Billy Joel during sex."  My dogs get that there are people on the way down.  They even stop by the door of the neighbors below us and sniff the entrance. They know they are there.  But the little puppy who lives there has no idea my dogs live above him.  So here he is, sitting on his sofa.  Fresh to the world.  Just taking things in for the first time.  "Oh look at this.  A flip-flop.  What the fuck is that?  Should I eat it? I think I will!"   You know, he is probably just hanging out doing puppy things.

Then, he hears my dogs coming from the ceiling.  Now,  I don't know if dogs are religious.  I mean, if they believe in the whole Heaven and Hell thing.  I am sure most people would say "No!"  but it makes you think, if you had no clue that anything was above you and suddenly, out of nowhere while you are hanging out chewing on a flip-flop, you start hearing voices and those voices are coming up from above.  Not only are they coming up from above but they are talking to you.  They are calling you "pussy!" and telling you to "Get the fuck out from under the couch!".  The little puppy must be losing his mind!  "What? I -- I am not under the couch!  This is ON the couch, is it not?  I am on the couch? or under? I still don't know.  Maybe I learned this wrong, I am just a puppy! what? what? I am a pussy? what the hell does that mean?"

I mean, the little puppy downstairs is probably freaking out thinking Dog God is calling him names and challenging him to a fight.  My dogs are upstairs going "come on! Fight me you coward! Come on! Bite me! Bite me!".  Meanwhile the little neighbor dog downstairs is thinking "What the fuck is going on?  Bite who?  The owner? You want me to bite the human? but she feeds me! What? I don't understand. Fight who? I can't see you!"

It must be confusing the hell out of him.  If dogs don't believe in God (which I think they do, and they are all Jewish too.   Just like me.  Why else would they be begging for free cookies and food).  But if dogs don't believe in God, then the little puppy must think the apartment is haunted or something.  The neighbor comes home after work, her puppy is hiding in the bed. She comes over to see what's the matter and HE BITES HER!   He probably bites her then immediately goes "I'm sorry, he told me to do it!  I didn't want to but he called me a pussy and told me he would beat me up!"

Dogs are hilarious.  And so are German G.I.Joes.  

Blackout In The Ocean!

Prince William was pretending to rescue victims as part of a Royal Navy exercise. Someone was not rescued, but rather left behind. As you can see in this photoshop ethnic cleansing attempt by the editors of Rupert Murdoch's Sun newspaper, they thought they can make the black guy on the far left, be left behind (minus his lower torso).

How does the saying go? "You can take the brotha' out the photo, but you can't take the photo without the brotha'" probably not it.

Found via photoshop disasters.

Dark Knight Done Right

I went to see the Dark Knight over the weekend and I will not spoil anything here.

I just want to say that this movie blew me away.  It has a great plot, some great twist, it was not done cheesy, it has some great cinematography and it has (since Gangs Of New York) some of the best, most enjoyable acting I have seen in this lifetime.

First, the plot:  Without spoiling it, I have to say the story was fantastic.  It picked up where it left off and continued in a smooth way.  What I really enjoyed was that this was the first big picture (millions to make) that was not done with ugly CGI and high tricks to sell.  Basically, the story of the joker did not require any animation done over the film to sell it.  You look at things like The Matrix, Spiderman, Superman....they all had these ugly, computer animation that is so easily noticeable that it takes away from the reality and authenticity of the films.  Dark Knight on the other hand limited themselves with the cheesy computer needs and (atleast to me) seemed like they used real explosive, stunt people to do big stunts instead of computerize a person, and used a real city streets to blow up shit.  Here is the thing, the fact that this movie takes place without computer animation to show explosions and such, it makes it feel really authentic.  It makes it feel...real.

The Twists:  This movie had some great stuff.  I will not go into it, but overall it was enjoyable to be shocked over and over.  It was written very well and it was fantastic to see every actor (and their story) get equal amount of camera time.

Extra Cheese:  Movies tend to be cheesy these days.  I remember watching the new Die Hard movie and seeing the whole "Bruce Willis jumping on the F-16 off the freeway and climbing it to beat the pilot and take the plane" scene and I remember thinking "ok. That was too cheesy".

Blockbusters tend to try and please everyone.  Problem is, those who like good movies, tend to hate cheesy things.  Cheesy things are usually either written by really bad writers and/or directors or forced by studio suits to be able to market it to younger audiences.  I hate cheese.

The Dark Knight lacked cheese.  Heck, it was lacktose intolorent.  Cheese was not even in the theater.  This is fantastic since when you strip the cheesy lines (like in Sex in The City), and the cheesy action scenes (Die Hard) and strip away the cheesy love story (Iron Man) then you are left with real emotions, real problems and real people dealing with shit.  Thats what this movie felt like.  Everyone in the film was dealing with shit, and no cheesy solution to complete those issues.

The Pictures:  I have great appreciation for the way shots are made.  Cinematography is such a beautiful thing that most of the time goes unnoticed.  Unless you look for it.  First, some of the shots were made for IMAX and while I have not seen it in IMAX, I heard that it looks amazing.  But, besides that, what was done really well is the fact that the film was shot like a comic book.  Here is the thing: If you ever read comic books as a kid, you know that they followed a certain flow.  Shadows on the faces, random shots of feet walking, or a cigarette hitting the floor.  Comic book square boxes had beautiful angles of the people from different views.  Comic book boxes placed the person speaking to the left or to the right so that the speaking bubble hung over their shoulder.  Lighting was important in the books, for it was the only way to "reveal" a character for the first time in between the shadow of the window screen or the smoke from the gun.    Every single shot in this movie was done to the perfection of a comic book.  The way each shot was captured, made me feel like I was reading a comic book.  If you were to color the shots in solid colors in photoshop, it would be the perfect comic book.  The shots were visually stunning.   The angles were moving.  The lighting and shadows were just perfect to leave you feeling like you were watching a film that never revealed itself to its fullest.  It always left you wanting to see a bit more in the shot, without giving it to you.  Absolutely amazing.

The Actor:  I called this section "The Actor" instead of "The Actors" for a reason.  Every once in a while a movie comes out that is absolutely carried throughout by a single performance.  I can say that Daniel-Day Lewis made Gangs Of New York.  His performance   in the film as The Butcher made the movie from a long, 3 hour film into a movie that I will remember forever.  His performance alone in it is something that made the movie a time piece.   This is the same with Heath Ledger and the Dark Knight.  I remember when the film was over, the first words out of my mouth were "What a fuckin' shame" because I realized that this man had achieved what every actor wishes they could....to be EPIC as a person.  Movies can be epic.  Empire Strikes Back for example.  You mention Star Wars to anyone on the face of this planet and they know what it is.  It is a movie that has become a legendary film.  My grandkids will know of Star Wars, just like I did and just like my folks did.  Heath, literally has made himself a legendary EPIC performance.  Something that will not soon be forgotten.  The shame is that he will never have the chance to out due it.  Which may be a great thing.  Every actor in hollywood at the moment will have to work very hard to out-due his performance.  I can say that his performance sold the movie.  I don't mean as in numbers.  We all know this movie broke records this weekend because of his untimely death.  Not in a bad way but people are inspired to go and watch someones last performance.  I think he sold the movie in the sense that this movie, with any other actor playing the joker, could have failed.  He was the Al Pachino of Scarface, the Marlon Brando of The Godfather, the Daniel-Day of Gangs. He became the character so much, that it seems like it was a different human being all along.  

At times I felt the hairs on my arm stand up.  At times I felt scared.  Literally.  The guy got so deep into this character that when you see him play the Joker, you see The Joker.  You don't see Heath playing the joker (like you would see George Clooney as Daniel Ocean).  Heath did not exist in this film.  Talent existed and somewhere, deep inside the Joker, was Heath.  But it was not seen on screen.  All I saw on the screen was a performance that made me get the chills during certain moments.  His acting skills have surpassed every actor I have seen thus far.  He made it a craft and made it his life.  And with him gone, so is this ability to sell a movie to the viewer by an outstanding performance.

Overall:  So, in conclusion, I recommend to go see this film.  I will go see it again (and possibly try to see it a third time if necessary).  This is a movie that while, I can not claim to be my "favorite film" (cause as a whole, it wasn't), I can say, it is a movie I enjoyed the most.  Watching all the above things gave me a satisfaction that blockbusters can still be moving and exhilarating and wonderful, without destroying the beauty of what a film should be.

I give this film a 10 out of 10, or the two thumps up, or the 5 tomatoes or whatever your rating meter is.  This film was "it" for me.  

It is perfectly clear that this film will be remembered as Heath Ledgers greatest performance and will take some really amazing skill to out due his performance to impress me in any film I will see the rest of the year.

Rest In Peace Mr. Ledger.   

Cake Or Death?

Sometimes you get a craving but don't have the energy to bake a cake full on.

So, Dizzy Dee has a great little post about how to make a Choclate Cake In 5 Minutes!

I am going to attempt this over the weekend. 

"...cause sometimes you just want it" (as said by Rich Galan)

Ingredients:

4 Tablespoons cake flour

4 Tablespoons sugar

2 Tablespoons cocoa

1 Egg

3 Tablespoons milk

3 Tablespoons oil

1 Mug

Instructions:

Mix flour, sugar and cocoa:

Spoon in 1 egg

Pour in milk and oil, and mix well

Put in microwave for 3 minutes on maximum power (1000watt)

Wait until it stops rising and sets in the mug

Tip contents out of mug onto saucer and enjoy!

Not ToKnight I Guess

I have mentioned in a previous post that I suffer from L.A.D. (Late Adaptor Disorder).  This is true as well to trying to get things done on time before its too late.  Here, I thought (on a Friday mind you) "Hey, I should go and see the Dark Knight movie tonight or this weekend".

I didn't bother to read the news that happened to mention this little bit:

Fandango, the nations leading movie ticket sellers, says it appears to be selling between 9 and 10 tickets per second for the pic. More than 2,000 sold-out showtimes. Add that to MovieTickets.com’s 1,600 and you’ve got close to 4,000 performance sell-outs!

MovieTickets said Thursday that it's registered more than 1,600 sellouts among domestic showtimes throughout the weekend for "Dark Knight." Those included more than 300 sold-out showtimes at cinemas in Los Angeles and New York."

The online ticketer said 94% of its recent ticket sales were for "Dark Knight."

Warner Bros sources say that Imax has 1,600 shows in all U.S. screens for this weekends opening of Batman: The Dark Knight. As of 5PM Wednesday, 1,400 of those shows were sold out.

The above image is what I got when I tried buying tickets for this evening.  Even the late shows are sold out.  Guess I have to go see Mamma Mia instead.

Today and Tomorrow: Muy Caliente'!!!

Mid 90's across the city today and tomorrow with major humidity. A big high pressure system off the Mid-Atlantic coast is pulling hot and humid air into the region.  Heat Advisory is in effect which is basically code name to "Stay the f*** home with your A/C on".

I, plan to do some major cleaning as well as take a trip to good ol' IKEA in BK.

Stay cool NYC.  It's going to be torture for the next couple of days.  

Photo Fridays

A good buddy of mine came into "the city" from Cali.  He also was joined by two amazing couples who are some of the raddist, nicest people I met in a long time.

Here is some photos taken by one of those guys (Michael Trozzo).   Make sure to check out his work at 3tp.com  while you at it.  

Dark Knight Tonight

The most hyped up movie of the year (and possibly of all times) is being released this Friday with screenings starting tonight at midnight.  I got bored lastnight and started drawing on a blank skateboard.  The above photo is what I got done while watching "Snatch" and "So you think you can dance".   Basically 3.5 hours, and I got a pretty cool looking art piece.

More available at my skateboard art site here:

www.deckyourself.blogspot.com

187 on an overpainted wall!

I enjoy street art.  I don't enjoy ugly tagging of people writing "penis" on a subway bench or the nickname they have  like Tazer, Gazer, and Mazer.  All crossed out with "Blazer" written on top of it with 187 next to it.  What is up with 187?  I know that its the gang way of saying "watch your back" but really? 187? Sounds so non--threatening.  I guess it really depends on what 186 and 188 are.  I mean, if 186 is "I will kick you in the nuts" and 188 is "I will put your head on a javelin and throw it into the east river" then, 187 may not be so bad.  God knows I would be alot more scared if someone crossed my name out and put 188 on it.  Maybe it be better to try and point out WHY you think you are so much better then the name you are crossing out.  Perhaps maybe making a math equation to prove you are truly better.  "187 + 9 = 196".  Even better, start using the persons name you are crossing out in the math equation: "187 is X...and 9 is Y...then, Tazer is -12".

All I am saying is make it interesting.  Write a message.  Whatever happened to "Chris loves Sarah" written on a wall?  Now a days its Chris crossed out by Sarah with a 187 on it.  And its not even spelled right.  Chris is suddenly Kriz and Sarah is Sayrah!  WTF?  Do these taggers not use spell check at home before coming out to display their skills?  "I am a better tagger then this guy because I can spell "egregious" better!"

No matter.  I still appreciate street art.  I think painting the buildings with things is fantastic.  Gives the character.  Its like those cases you get for your ipods.  I personally think its probably all a bunch of local painters walking around tagging buildings and then calling them the next morning saying "I noticed someone painted all over the side of your building lastnight.  May I offer you our professional painting prices to get your walls all cleaned up?".  Great business.  You can create work for yourself.  If you ever want a day off....just don't go tagging the night before.

So, I would like to give props to some neat street art I have been seeing as of lately.  Some are strange, some art cool, and some are downright ridiculous.  No matter, they deserve to be here.

So here I give to you, some fine art:

The new form of street artists who seem to also have part time jobs entertaining kids on weekends at Central Park:

Some artist has been creating these fantastic Joker themed designs on already placed subway posters:

This is neat.  Graffiti of flowers on the wall that is actually called Graffiti for Butterflies.   ""GFB uses images of milkweed flowers to broadcast the location of food sources to monarch butterflies. In the prototype below, the graffiti is placed on a wall above an actual milkweed plant in New York City, signaling the presence of nectar to hungry monarchs in the vicinity.":

From A-Holes to A-Rods

Yesterday was the All-Star parade here in NYC.  It seems like New York has a parade every 3 days.  A Puerto Rican Parade, A Jewish Parade, a Gay Pride Parade, a Gay Pride Parade For Jewish and Puerto Rican lovers, A Parade for half Jewish/Half Puerto Rican Gay Men Parade.  This place has more parades then Germans have porn directors.   

The parade was outside my office at Bryant Park and with it, thousands of baseball fans wearing hats, jerseys, and holding their children who should be in class. Whenever a parade takes up a few blocks in NYC, the NYPD shows up as if it was ground zero. One cop, every few feet, and all just not giving a $&#@.  Don't get me wrong.  I appreciate the NYPD and the fine officers in this city that DO work hard. Its the other percent of them that are lazy and act like idiots and just don't give a shit.  New Jack City my arse!!! I have yet to see one cop helping a crackhead to beat his addiction only to add him to the police force to take down Westly Snipes in a white wedding shoot out.  But I digress..

As my wife is traveling her homeland, I go home to feed and walk the dogs every day at lunch.  

Its the same as I do when my wife IS here, just without the whole "me-begging-her-for-a-nooner-while-she-laughs-at-me-and-goes-on-watching-days-of-our-lives" kind of lunch break.

So I went to feed the dogs early and when I headed back to the office, the parade was in full affect.  Thousands of people trying to see A-Rod's a-rod, or screaming for Madonnas number.

I on the other hand, just wanted to get back to the office where the airconditioner is on.  Unfortunately, the NYPD wanted to make my life difficult.

I first attempted to get into 40th street at 5th Ave.  In front of the Library.   Cop says to me "go over to the corner, they can let you in over there".   So I walk to the corner where another cop sits.  "I need to get to work!".  He replied with "You can't get in thru here.  You have to go down 39th and 6th".  "But my office is right there!" I said to him while pointing.  "Yeh, that still does not change anything.  39th and 6th!" and he points toward 39th.  Fine!

I walked to 39th and 6th.  Another officer sitting on his ass checking out his cell phone.  "I need to get to my office, it is right there on 40th"  I tell the guy.  He does not even bother to look up at me and says "Can't come thru here.  You have to go to 7th avenue".   I could have been Osama Fuckin Bin Hitler and the guy wouldn't even notice.  All the time just texting.   "I was on 5th and 40th, they told me to come to 39th and 6th.  This is 39th and 6th, so..."   He raised his head with a face of do you know who I am? type look.  "7th ave.  You can't get in here."

FINE!

I walk down to 39th and 7th.  Young cop.  I swear, I could take his ass down if I have to.  I decided to just walk past him.  I walked passed the blue 2 by 4 (which apparently is the NYPD protection for celebrities and anything else against things like angry mobs, tanks or missles.  a blue 2 by 4.  Brilliant protection plan there).   the cop stops me "You can't come in here!"  

I looked at him with a  do-you-know-who-I-AM!?! look.  "My office is right there. I went to 40th and 5th they told me to go to 40th and 6th.  I went to 40th and 6th and they told me to come to 7th.  This is 7th, I am going to my office!"

"You can't come thru here sir.  You have to go to 42 and 7th"

Are you fuckin kidding me?  That is the opposite end of the park.  That is 2 blocks AWAY from my office you moron!  I decided to not care and continue walking.  He stepped in front of me.  

"Dude.  My office is right there!  LOOK AT ME! I am in a  suit! You think I would make myself look this good for A-Rod?  I don't give a poodles butt about baseball"

Yes, I did start using profanity, which was probably a bad idea but I was sweaty, hot and annoyed at this point.  

"Sir.  You need to not use that kind of language.  Now like I said, you have to go to 42nd and 7th" he responds with a stern voice.

I did what any person under pressure by police would do.  I made a go for it.  I started to walk stright toward the office.  

The cop looked at me with a WTF you think you doing? look.  He placed the palm of his hand on my chest and said "SIR! DO NOT MAKE ME USE FORCE! NOW I NEED YOU TO GET BACK TO THE SIDEWALK!"

"Look! I need to get to my office, I don't care about baseball.   I don't care about Yankees, I don't care about taking photos of  them sitting in 67 chevy!"

The officer started to show some compassion: "Do you have a business card with the address on it?"

Are you kidding? No! I went to feed Chiuahuah's.  Not meet with Donald Trump!  Although, my response was a lot more subtle and just said "no officer. I don't.  But I could call the receptionist."

He looked at me and said "How do I know that's a receptionist, that could be anyone!"

Right, officer.  Cause before I walked here, I made a grand, Shawshank Redemtion/The Great Escape type plan where I have a lady sitting somewhere in an empty warehouse in Jersey waiting on my to call her and have her pretend to be a receptionist just so I can get to the front of the parade.  I gave the cop a Are You A Moron? look.  He understood.

The cop slid to the right and said "Just go.  Hurry up!"

I squeezed by and started to walk toward the chaos which was outside my office.  In my head I was so tempted to turn back and yell back to him "You idiot! I don't really work here! I just wanted to see A-Rod!"  But I didn't.  It's one thing to almost get yourself arrested from wanting to go to work.  Its another to call in a 2:00 p.m. conference call using your one phone call from a a downtown station.

Spider Skin

I am a tattoo fanatic.  I have...wait...counting....just say, multiple tattoos.  The other thing I love is comics.  When I saw these images via Oh Gizmo*, I thought, wow!  I had to give the guy props who got these, AND even more props to the guy who drew it.

 

Vacation Before The Vacation.

The wife left a week ago to Sweden. Visit family, drink some vodka, feed a moose. I am not exactly sure what she does in the real life version of the Shire. Filled with Frodos and unicorns.

I am going to join the wife soon at the home of the IKEA corporate office. But for now, I am here. And in the same way that I have no idea what it is she does before I get there, she has no clue what I do. Until now.

You see, a man needs a vacation. He works hard, monday through Friday (although my fridays are kind of spaced out usually). I work long hours. I work hard. When I take a vacation, I want to just let go. BUT!!!!

But, because we will be in Sweden, staying at the home of her parents, there are a lot of things I can not do. I can't really cook naked or fart during dinner. Yes, I know I am totally gross right now, but there is a point to all this I promise.

So while my wife is in the Swedish Meatball factory, I chose to let go while at home here in New York and be what I know I can't be once I begin my vacation. Call it, the mini-vacation or the vacation before the vacation or vacation practice.

Some of the things I have been able to pull off this past week (which might I add I could never pull off if the wife was here because I am scared of her):

1. I burp alot. I try to not burp when I am around my wife or her family. Every once in a while one tries to escape like Tim Robbins in the Shawshank Redemption. But I usually manage to shut my mouth, cover it with a hand or distract her by dropping and breaking a glass off the table. Now, with her miles away, I burp and I burp loud and proud. I scare my dogs. Hell, I would scare little children if they lived in the same building.

2. Another thing I have done this past week is eat whatever I want. My wife is the common sense in this family. I tend to brush my teeth before bed and then somehow get hungry or thirsty and when I reach for that grape juice at 11:40 p.m. she always says "you just brushed your teeth. If you drink that, you will have to brush them again". You see, that is called common sense. I, unfortunately was born with a rare sickness that destroyed all the little things in my brain that makes common sense and I have grown up...sensless. Because of that, I now drink and eat all hours of the night. Mostly unhealthy stuff. Except for Tuesday when I had a craving for a mango at like 10:30 at night. Go figure. Now sure, one might say that it is bad to eat all hour of the night, but I just blame it on depression for having to deal with the fact that my common sense is on the opposite side of the world at 6 hours ahead of me. Which is ironic, because until I met her, my common sense used to be 6 hours behind. I would do something, and 6 hours later realize "hey, I shouldn't have done that". If my wife was really good, she should have been able to call me 6 hours before I ate that ice cream in lastnight and warn me "6 hours from now you will want Ice Cream. Do not eat it!" Then maybe I would be a bit better. You see, its not all my fault after all!

3. I have watched a LOT of 80's movies. Yes. My wife is from the 80's. She was born in the 80's and therefor has a lack of appreciation for things from the 80's like Flock of Seaguls or the movie Weird Science. This all makes sense of course. I was born in the 70's and I could care less for discotechs and giant collard shirts. But, I do love 80's movies and 80's music. Hence why 80's movies are so rad cause the soundtrack is all stuff from the 80's. Best Combo Ever!
In the past week I watched Real Genius, Weird Science, Ferris Beuller's Day Off, Fast Times, Lost Boys, Gremlin, Star Wars, and Eddie Murpys Raw and Delirious. All in one week. This is hand's down the most 80's I have put into my head since well...1989.
Best line in Real Genius: "This. This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This. This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated."

4. I spend a lot of time convincing myself I should clean the dishes, only to later convince myself that the dishes actually enjoy staying dirty and heck....to not make them feel bad, I should also not be clean. Hence, no shower for me or the dishes damn it. I refuse to offend my dishes.

5. I have looked at myself in the mirror way more then the average person should. Counting hairs on my mustache, or figuring out if that white hair on my beard is really white or just covered in cream cheese (it was).

So as you can see, once I get to Sweden, all this will be over and I will have to shave, shower, do dishes, eat healthy and resort to good ol' 21st century Swedish movies. I wonder if they have "Best Of The Best" dubbed in Swedish. Now that would be totally worth the trip.

Anyway, excuse me if I grossed you out, and to my wife, you deserve a gold trophy for being married to me. It is not easy. I spent 7 days with myself and I am already annoyed with me. Heck, their was a good 3 hours on Monday where I threw myself out of the apartment because I just couldn't deal with myself anymore. I love you and I will be on my best behavior once I land.

A Little Rob Machado In The Family.

My little nephew signed up for surf camp.  I have to say I was proud of the little grom.  I have been surfing....scratch that, "attempted" to surf for a few years while living in Venice.  I planted my face in the sand underwater more then I planted my legs on the board.  Somehow the waves always flew me off of them faster then the cheerleader did to me on prom night.

The neph has been getting into some good sports. He picked up skateboarding which is good.  Last time I saw him, the little kid was doing kick flips and grinds.  I was proud.

Today, I got some photos of him surfing it up at Zuma (which is one of the best spots to surf in LA).  When I saw these, he reminded me of a young Rob Machado ("Jew-Fro and all" as my buddy Rich said).

Rob Machado

I got a kick out of seeing him take those waves and ripping them.  Totally shredding. 

Just wanted to give the little grom some props.  Wish I could be there to take him out to the waters.  Atleast he isn't beating up paparazzi's.

L.A.D. Late Adaptor Disorder

My wife should be thankful.  I was on the verge of getting E.A.D (Early Adaption Disorder) about nine years ago.

Remember when the Star Wars, Phantom Menace movie came out in 1999?  I was one of the douchbags who camped out in line the night before to be one of the few who got to be the very first to see it.  I actually remember the ticket they gave me read "#581".  I was the 581st person in the whole U.S. to see that movie the day it came out.  I was proud.  

I remember camping out next to a guy in a full Chewbacca suit.  I swear, the guy stayed in character the whole time.  Til this day I still have no idea who he was.  He replied to everything with the infamous Chewy growl.  Even when I went to make a Subway or a beer run, I'd ask if he wants anything and the guy just sat there grawling with that gargling sounds while raising his hairy arm in the air.  It was amazing.  I don't even remember him going to the bathroom.  He slept in the outfit.  Ate nachos through the mask.  He even sat next to me in the theatre in the whole outfit and when the movie was done, he high-fived me with the giant hand.  I, for a brief moment in my life, felt like Han-Solo.

I wanted to be the first to see the first of the Star Wars since the last one.  I know, I know, this sentence hardly makes sense, but neither did my reasons back then.  Looking back now, I think it was kind of creepy that I slept one tent away from a guy who likes to wear an outfit for 48 hours.  People put restraining orders against people like that, and here,  I thought I was Han-Fuckin'-Solo.   WTF was I thinking?

Nine years later, I changed a lot.  I used to want to be the first at things.  Be the first to own this, be the first to do that.  But then, I got a job and an apartment and many other responsibilities and unfortunately for me (but fortunate for my wife) I could no longer afford being an Early Adaptor, and so, I fell into the Late Adaption group.  Matter of fact, I am such a late adopter, I should be in the Senior Citizen Adaption Group.  I got my plasma TV when people already moved to LCD.  I got my Wii, when people already moved to XBOX 360 and Playstation 68!

I heard of Blu-Ray DVD's after they already beat the HD.  I heard of Guitar Hero after they already released like twenty six versions of it.  

Don't get me wrong, I read things like Gizmodo.com and try to stay on top of the gadget world.  But I never buy it.  Just can't afford the $4,000 86 inch plasma TV with the $800 Blu-Ray DVD player that syncs up to your XBOX so you can surf your movies online while playing Halo and watching Oldschool all at the same time.  

The one thing I really nagged my wife about was the iPhone.  Here was a toy that I really thought is cool.  The only reason I didn't go and throw my IRS refund on it was because I have to sign a contract to AT&T with it.  Me being the Jew that I am, I don't like the idea of paying for something once, and then continuing to pay for it over time.  It's like paying the full price of a Prius, and then still paying monthly payments on it.  So I gave up all hope on having an iPhone as long as it is 1) so darn expensive or 2) moves away from AT&T so that I don't have to pay a penalty.

Now the new iphones are coming out on Friday.  They are less, so one would think I would jump up and get one.  Nope.   Why?  Because I am a late adapter.  I was hoping to buy the first version of the iPhone when everyone else is already on the 6th version.  Why?  because it would be cheap and I would not feel bad if I break it because by then, I can go on Craigslist and buy a new one for $75.  I did this with my Palm Pilot like two years ago.  By the time I got a Palm, the rest of the world had "Blackberrys" (or "African-American Berrys".  Not sure what's the proper way of calling them now).

So now, I sit back and wait for the iPhone to stop being the "IT" thing and then I will get mine.  

But, that does not keep me away from laughing at others for being douchbags.  Which I will do now:

The new iPhone 3G comes out on Friday.  Today is Monday.  Yet, some thought it would be great to start camping out at the Apple Store on 59th here in NYC.  Yes, I will make fun of someone who is doing what I did for Star Wars.  Atleast I got to sit next to a guy in a hairy costume.   If you are sitting on 59th street in front of an Apple store next to a guy with hair on his body, well, that just means you are sitting next to the guy who works at the Pizza spot across the street from my house.  That mother'ucker is a hairy bastard.   Hardly speaks English too, so he probably growls just like Chewbacca.

Anyway, have fun Early Adaptors.   I will call you in 4 years in response to your craigslist posting named "used iPhone first generation.  Selling for $50".