Slaps on a Motha' ucking Plane!

I don't enjoy flying. Not because of layovers, or because of crappy (and outrageously expensive) airport and airline food.  Not because long lines at security to make sure I am not carrying an AK-47 in my 10.5 size shoes or even because of the impatient flight attendants (or stewardess, or whatever they call themselves now.  "Just bring me my drink bitch!").

I don't enjoy flying because it is not entertaining.  Flights are the most boring hours of my life. Some airlines have tried to step-up to the entertainment void in my life.  Virgin Airlines for example.   Bright colors, rave music, and people bringing you cookies on demand by the touch of a button.  If you replaced cookies with LCD, it feels like a flashback to a 1985 party at Studio 54.  If only every night was as trippy as that.

But they still didn't hit the entertainment factor for me.  Flights are boring.  I recall flying to my wife's home land (it is in Scandinavia and rhymes with "Shweden").  I had to fly on Air India.  Don't ask me why I flew on Air India to Scandinavia.  That is worse than taking Hawaiian Airlines to Yemen.   That Air India flight was the worst.   Nevermind the fact that I stood through 2 hours of security (where the removed lighters, creams, shampoos, and pocket knives) only to let me board on this flight and then serve me my food with actual REAL SILVERWEAR!  It's like "Oh don't bother bringing knives to the airport.  We will give you one on our flight."  These were not the plastic ones, these were actual dinner knives made from silver.  But yet, still less dangerous than my Johnson & Johnson Baby Bottom Smooth Hair Silk Shampoo.  But I digress....

The flight was less entertaining then most because Air India apparently had 11 channels on their built-into your small chair TV but all aired Indian speaking movies.  Indian News, Indian movies, Indian MTV, Indian Martha Stewart, Indian Best Police Chases Caught On Tape (man those elephants are fast).  To someone who does not speak an ounce of Indian, this was a really boring flight.

Then comes my flight back to JFK from LAX on Sunday night.  I have been in Los Angeles for business and with a quick stop to my parents house.  My mother would never forgive me if I didn't stop by (especially since I will miss Passover this next weekend for the first time in my life).   I will skip through the boring parts and fast forward to 10 minutes before we land.  Around 1:40 a.m.

I am sitting on a flight by a really crappy airline.  I won't say their name, but lets just say its an airline that just happened to be "American" (wink wink).

The pilot comes on and says "Flight Attendents, prepare for landing." the seatbelt lights turn on and the lights turn on around the cabin.  I am sitting in seat A.  This seat is in the aisle. Suddenly I hear someone arguing across the other side from where I am sitting, but a few rows back.  I turn my head just a bit out of curiosity and notice two grown women arguing.   From what I gather, the lady behind, has been putting her legs against the chair in front of her and kicking it accidently one too many times throughout the flight.  The lady in front, who has been bothered by the seat kicking turns and says "Can you please stop? I asked you already like 10 times".   The lady behind her responded with "Turn yourself around and shut the f**k up!".

Those eight words made the lady in the front unbuckle her seatbelt, stand up, turn herself around while with her knees on her seat, raise her hand up and bitch slap the skin off the other lady's face.  

This was not a normal slap by any means.  This was a "Bitch, where is my money?  You better get back on that corner and keep hustling" type of slap.  This slap echoed through the cabin like a yell in the Grand Canyon.  Within an instant, the lady being slapped stood up, grabbed the other lady (slappy) and pulled her by the hair down to the aisle floor.  Next thing you know, they are yelling and throwing slaps around like two homeless people on a cheeseburger.

People sitting around them stand up and get out of the way.  Immediately, the flight attendants run down and separate them.  I look at the person sitting next to me and thinking "This is better then Pay-Per View".  

They put one lady in the kitchen in the center of the plane and have her talk to one attendant.  The other, is taken to the back of the plane where she is speaking with two other attendants.  The fourth attendant is walking around asking people to sit down.  I assume its all over and cancel my attempt to reach for my digital camera in my bag.  Then, the attendant in the kitchen turns her back to grab a glass of water for "Slappy" and "Slappy the slap happy fighter" makes a bolt to the back of the plane to tackle the lady again.  They go at it for another few seconds before the attendants realize the ring bell rung and the fight is back in for round 2!

The separate them again.  This time they take no chances and put one in the back of the plane by the restrooms and the other one in the front of the plane (note to self: easy way to get seated in First Class is to start a fight.  May backfire by having the guy you are fighting go to first class, and you being placed in the back by the bathrooms).

We land and of course, police stand ready at the gate as I get off the plane to board on.  

This was very entertaining I must say.  I wish it went on a little longer, I might have bought a sandwich.  Seriously.  If airlines took out a few seats in the middle, and built a ring.  Let people on the plane duke it out while the rest order sandwiches and alcohol, it would be a very entertaining flight.  Like boxing night in Vegas, but at 30,000 feet.

There is a moral to this story.  It's not that you shouldn't kick peoples seat, or slap people.  The moral is that if you want to take a second shot at someone, look at the flight attendant that is breaking it up and say "Get me a drink, bitch!" and make a break for it.