Alba Distorted By "Cann" Of Whoopass

When I was 13, I had a crush on two celebrities.  Andrea Elson, the girl who played the daughter on the 1980's show Alf.  Yeah, she was like 19 and I was like 13, but according to my Barmitzva, I was a man now.  The other crush was Justine Bateman.  She played the sister of Michael J. Fox on Family Ties (the dark hair one, not the blonde).  Again, she was much older, but I was 13 and all the girls on TV that were my age consisted of Blossom, DJ Tanner from Family House or the girl from My Two Dads.  Not the best selections.

Living in Los Angeles I ran into a lot of celebs.  I became friends with a few D Listers and some Z Listers as well.  When you live in LA, you tend to run into these celebs at car rental shops, at the Whole Foods, at the gas station and almost every time you go to a bar in Hollywood.  

Why both these paragraphs?  Well, they blend into this soggy mix drink that I had to drink over the weekend.

This weekend, Wifey and I hung out and decided to watch a movie.  Nothing good was on except something on TBS called "Into The Blue".   I kind of heard about the movie when it came out, the only thing I remembered was that Jessica Alba was in it.  I think every guy in this world thinks Jessica Alba is a hot woman (I am sure even gay men think that), but I am married to a much hotter wife.  Too bad my hotter wife is so hot in fact, that one evening when we were living in Los Angeles, she went out with her girlfriends and was hit on by Scott Cann (the dude with the giant head from Ocean's 11).  She blew him off and flashed the engagement ring in his face and came home and told me how funny it was and what a douchbag he was.  I agreed.  He is.

It never bothered me to think Scott Cann hit on my wife and asked for her digits because he is a celebrity and celebrities are in a world of their own.   So this weekend, I sit in front of the TV with the wife and here comes Scott Cann on screen with Jessica Alba.  Now, I should be, like all men before me, completely focused on Jessica Alba, but for some reason, all I can do is look at Scott Cann and feel the urge to wish he would drown or get eaten by a shark every minute of the movie.   The movie (from what I hear) has Jessica Alba in a lot of hot scenes....too bad I don't remember seeing them, let alone remember them permanently due to the fact that all my focus was on the douchbag that I knew had hit on my wife.  

I wasn't jealous, I know it seems that way.  I was proud more than anything else.  This guy has money and a celebrity status and my wife shut him down.  But here he was, on my tv screen, grinning.   I wanted to bitch slap my TV.  

I guess the moral to the story is, when your loved ones get hit on by celebs, avoid their movies. Even if the movie includes celebs of the opposite sex that you would think help you enjoy the movie, they won't. Just skip the movie all together.  If all else fails, wish them a horrible death by shark bites.