Ahhh. Paris. Famous for things like the Eiffel Tower, the Mona Lisa and well, surrendering.
French are a peculiar breed. The thing I noticed first about Paris is that there are no french people there. Paris is just full of foreigners living there (very similar to Los Angeles).
We arrived in Paris and had my mothers step-sister pick us up. An Israeli French. That has to be the oddest combination. Part of you is from Israel. A land that has suffered great battles and never lost. Never gave up and never gave up hope. The other half, French. Which basically gave up and surrendered. But the couple who picked us up were adorable. Beautiful people. Heart of gold the size of Russia. They have an apartment right smack in Paris which was nice for us since we had a lot to see in very little time.
I will give my review of Paris along with pictures:
The Eiffel Tower
This thing is exactly how I thought it would be. We took a boat tour our first night there and saw everything from the boat. Including the Eiffel tower as it was lit up with lights like an LSD trip at a rave party. The thing looks like a sparkling, giant dress. It does look cool but you can not stare at the sparkling lights too long or you feel like you will have a seizer. It does hurt the eyes. People just snapping photos of this thing like as if it was a new Brangelina baby. The Eiffel Tower is all iron and built on Champ de Mars (which I am guessing has nothing to do with the planet). It is hands down probably one of the most recognizable structures in the world (with the exception of the Statue of Liberty and O.J. Simpsons house). The Eiffel Tower is the tallest structure in Paris. But then again, when you are building a house for Napoleon, most places don't need to be taller then 4 feet anyway. Alot of French people seem to think that the Eiffel Tower (especially now with the glitter and lights) is much of an eyesore. Then again, they don't seem to complain about Jean Reno (who the rest of the world seem to think is an eyesore).
After the boat ride we went into a cafe':
The Cafe's
No matter where you go in Paris, every restaurant has the same thing. Cheese, Coffee and Cigarettes. Very much like Sweden with the Coffee & Bread. French love their cheese. They have fancy names for their cheese. Like "Emmental francis est-central" or "Fourme de Montbrison" or "Picodon de l'Arde'che". Just saying the names of them can turn a woman on. Everything in Paris just sounds so damn sexy. You can ask where is the bathroom in French and it sounds romantic: "Pardon, ou' sont les toilettes?". Sounds hot doesn't it? Next time I have foreplay, I am pulling out a damn French dictionary and just start reading. Seriously.The cheese has fantastic taste. Bitter, sweet, strong, light, sour, whatever. Every cheese tastes different. Makes me want to move to Paris and open a Quesadilla store their.
The coffee got me annoyed a bit. They don't have coffee like you and I have coffee. In the U.S. you order coffee they bring you a cup (some bring you a damn Big Gulp 7/11 size cup) full of coffee. In Paris, it all comes in a tiny little cup. Like as in espresso. I told the waiter "I want coffee coffee. Like as in a cup for normal size humans. Not in a cup for Oompa Loompas."
The waiter responded "oh, you want American coffee!". Wtf? American coffee? uh no. Its called "The Rest Of The World Coffee".
Even the coffee has strange names like "Cafe' au lait" or "Cafe' Noisette". I don't speak a word of french but I am guessing they are named "Late Coffee" and "Noisy Coffee"?
The cool thing about the cafe' is everyone has the chairs outside facing the street. Nobody sits at a table for 2 (or for 4) and looks at eachother. This is PARIS! The people here are much more sexy then me, don't look at me! look at them!
Everyone sits and looks at people walking by.
"Oh hey, check out the long legged brunette"
"Oh hey, check out the long legged blonde"
"Oh hey, check out the long legged horse hauling the overweight Americans"
I dug the whole "sit here, have some cheese and watch everyone walking by." It's like as if you are waiting for something incredible to happen. This guy my trip on his shoelace. This lady may get mugged. Someone ran a red light? damn it I missed it! I was busy trying to order some cafe' le Americian.
The other thing about the cafe' is that nobody who works there speaks any English. Being that this is Paris and its an international tourist attraction, you would think these guys would bother to brush up on universal language. Nope. All of France seems to have this "If you don't speak french, then we are not going to learn your language then". Even at the Louvre, all the paintings and statues have plaques next to them that are in French. Was the Mona Lisa painted in 1505? Or was she born in 1505? or is this just item number 1505 and later I can bid on it in some silent French auction? What the heck is going on? Forget trying to find a damn exit at the Louvre too. Everything is written in French. "Oh here! This says Sortir. That means exit. No! Damn it. Its the painting called Le' Sortir. Where is the damn exit in this place? Someone give me a piece of this sculptures foot so I can throw it at this giant glass pyramid I am trapped in!"
Nobody speaks English. Menus: French. Maps: French. Subway instructions on a wall in the subway station: French. I tried asking for directions from a waiter and all he said was "I do not understand". Those were the four words he knew in English. "Do" "Understand" "I" and "Not".
Finally, the people at the cafe' LOVE smoking. I picked my smoking habit back for two days while I was there. Just from sitting in these cafe's. Everyone smokes. If you don't smoke they know you are a tourist. I might as well wear a giant "I Heart Paris" with a belt napsack and a camera. I felt so uncool without a cigarette. So naked.
Then we explored the City:
The City
What a beautiful city. Shall I say "Magnifique!". I did not realize when we arrived that "Rue" stands for "Streets". So here is yours truly, trying to find places by telling Hot Sexy Swedish Wife: "I read online about this great coffee shop. I don't remember the name of the street, it was something-Rue. Is there a Rue on the map?"
Too bad everything has "Rue" on the map. At first glance I was like "Ok. we are here on the map. Oh great, we are on Rue. Perfect! The website said it was on Rue and we are on it."
Swedish Wife: "Uh, honey. They are ALL rue. Rue means street."
I had to play it off like "oh, I knew that. yes. yes. Of course it does."
She totally saw thru my bulls***. Never try to pull off bull**** on a wife. They are like Hirachio on CSI:Miami. Try to tell her I did not break the wine glass and she will look at the trajectory of the glass on the floor. She will look at the way the water has collected at the bottom of the sink. She will look at my fragile, shakey, bleeding hands and then call "Bull****!"
I can never escape her.
So yeh, "Rue" had me called out on my bull**** first day there. But the streets are beautiful. All brick roads (which must be a really hard thing to walk down if you are in high heels and drunk). Matter of fact, that should be an olympic sport. Set off 10 drunk women in high heels down a side street in Paris and see who makes it to the end of the street first. Entertainment if I ever heard of one. "Oh, look at Madame Michelle! She is leading the pack. and -- oh no! Michelle is now down in the gutter. Le Michelle has eaten le shit."
We did get lost a lot in Paris which sounds cool to say. "We got lost in Paris". Much better then say "We got lost in Spanish Harlem". But we did enjoy just getting lost and finding our way back. We found an awesome ice cream shop on the island across from Notre Damn. We found a chocolate store that has amazing chocolates. We found cool little houses and shops and some friendly locals while at it.
We did get lost coming out of the subway and walking in the wrong direction for about 30 minutes before we realized "uh.....I don't see a park! I see a supermarket and what looks like it may be a french strip club". We then realized we walked in the opposite direction. Better for that to happen in Paris then say Bolivia.
That's about it. We did go to the Louvre and some parks (photos below). Mona Lisa is really small. I thought it would be some giant painting. But no. It is the size of a cereal box. We saw some cool parks and some even Napoleons apartment. His apartment was made with a lot of chandeliers (which makes sense, considering he probably couldn't reach the light switch if it was regular lights). Below are some photos of some neat places we checked out (plus one movie poster which looks hilarious in French. "The Momie". Who doesn't want their mommy when Brandon Frasier is in a movie with you.)
Well, that's it about Paris.
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