When In Rome...

I was born in Israel, which is like Americas step-sister or something.   America always defends Israel.  When Iran or Jordan or any of the other bullies at school pick on Israel, America comes and says "What the f*** you doing?"

It's like walking up and punching the hot chick at the bar when there is a big, biker sitting next to her.  

I am not sure why countries pick on Israel.  I know its the whole "You took Jerusalem, now give it back!" thing.  Then again, we are Jews.  If you drop a ten dollar on the street, I am not going to run up and tell you.  You dropped it.  It now belongs to the free world.  I shall take it and buy myself a kosher hot dog with it.  Same thing with Israel.  Jerusalem was something we Jews took and said "We ain't giving it back ya know!  It's ours.  See?  We put our name on it with a sharpie so that means its ours! what?  where did we get it? uh.....we got it as a gift for Hanukkah back in 15 A.D....oh wait, we don't believe in Jesus.....uh.....15 After Moses. Yeh! We got Jerusalem as a gift for Hanukkah at 15 A.M."

But countries still pick on Israel.  Which in the human world, we all know the saying "Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"  Problem is, if wars were playing by that rule, the only places who would challenge Israel to a fight would be Jamaica and New Jersey.   But nobody follows rules in War.  That is why we have rules to prevent us from going into war. 

This leads to the airport in Rome.  As mentioned in previous posts, the Sexy Swedish Wife and I have been traveling Sweden, Denmark and Paris.   After seeing Sweden, Copenhagen and basically conquering France, we were getting ready to go home.  We were flying to JFK via connection in Rome.  

A quick back story:  I have been a permanent resident in the U.S. for like 105 years.  I moved to the U.S. when I was ten years old and never bothered to get my citizenship until last year.  Never really seen a need for it.  I live here, I pay taxes, what's the point of being a citizen over being a resident?  When I finally got my citizenship, when I was being sworn in, I remember they said to us "Now, as a citizen of the United States of America, you can enjoy the benefits of VOTING" (uh, yeh, unless Bush is running and then it doesn't matter/count) "You will also have the benefit of serving as a member of the courts" (which is basically a nice way of saying Jury Duty.  Also, really not selling this whole citizenship thing yet) "And finally, as a citizen, you can serve in the armed forces in protecting this beautiful country" (uh...yeah.  I came from Israel.  They force you to join the army at age 18.  I didn't move 5400 miles to join somebody elses army).  But I finally got my citizenship last year.  Since then, I got married in Vegas, drove a UHAUL with my new wife and two chiuahuahs across the country from LA to NYC, and moved into a new city.  So, I never bothered with the U.S. Passport.

Finally, about a month before I left to Sweden, I called the 5th graders who work at the USCIS office.  The people at the government offices are not very well trained.  If you call them with the same question 3 times, you will get 3 different answers.  I don't even think they train them.  They just give them a phone and tell them to make shit up as they answer the calls.

So I called the 800 number before I left and asked "I am traveling and I have dual citizenship.  I am a citizen of the U.S. and Israel.  I have an Israeli passport but no VISA.   Instead, I had to turn in my VISA when I was sworn in, and instead got this paper that says I am a citizen.  Will I have trouble traveling?"

Now I know everyone and their mother knows the answer to that.  Yes! I will.   Because honestly, unless you have 1) a valid U.S. passport or 2) a VISA, most countries will give you hell.  But, since I have the piece of paper and a dual citizenship, I called and asked.

The nice lady on the other end said, "you can use the paper you got when you were sworn in.  The number on that paper is the same number they will put on your U.S. passport, so at immigration, they can punch that number in and see you are a citizen".

Great!  Swedish Bread and Coffee...here I come!

Back to Rome now.  We woke up in Paris at 4:00 a.m.  I do not work well at 4:00 a.m.  Unless my wife is having a baby, I do not want to see the number 4 or the letters "A.M." on a clock in my lifetime.   We took a flight thru Rome and we were in line to board our plane on Alitallia back to New York "Is My Bed There" Fucking City!

"Uh, hold on Sir"  The security person at boarding tells me while looking at my Israeli passport.

Yeh, yeh.  I get it.  Middle Eastern man, getting on a flight to New York, without proper paper work....I get it.   I am the exact type of person they teach you all to keep an eye out for.  But seriously...

"I am a citizen"  I tell her.

I pull out my little paper that has my little middle eastern grin photo glued on it that says THIS GUY IS AN AMERICAN!

The lady looks at it and calls the big, security guy over and says something to him in Italian.

I wait.  

Long story a bit less long, 15 minutes later, wife and I are still not on the plane.  Instead I am arguing with the head of security who insists that I can not get on the plane to go to New York.

I tell him about the number on the paper, and how if you punch it into a system, it will show I am American...

"Uh, Sir" he tells me "I am not sure what you mean.  This is Rome. Maybe, back in New York they have a computer they can put this number in and see you are American.  But we do not have these computers here.  We have 1986 Macintosh and a bubble jet printer.  Thats it!"

Oh crap.

Meanwhile the pilot comes out to us and asks "What is holding up the plane?"

They explain to him that they are trying to get a hold of the USCIS morons to verify I can enter the U.S.

How the hell does that phone conversation go?

"USCIS office, this is agent 9291.  How may I help you?"

"Alo? uh, this is head of airport security in Rome.  I have a middle eastern guy here without proper papers trying to get on plane to New York.  Can I let him on plane?"

I knew this will be a while.

While the baldheaded, Sean Claude Van Damn looking guy who is head of security (who has 4 phones, 2 guns, a pepper spray and a ring the size of my eyeball) is on the phone trying to get USICS to talk to him, the Alitallia manager looks at me and goes:

"Sir, what will you be doing? Your flight needs to leave.  Shall we take the luggage off the plane?"

I asked her "If my wife stays here with me until this sorts out.  Can we both get on the same flight home?"

She looks at me without pitty and says "Yes.  But you are paying for those flights sir.  This is not an Alitallia fault, so both tickets will need to be paid by you!"

Oh crap.  I looked at wifey, who at this point is crying like she just saw the ending of The Notebook, and I tell her "Babe, get on that flight.  Its better I only pay for one flight instead of two"  She refuses and I tell her that she must.

I can understand my wife not wanting to separate.  There are two reasons.  The first is that out of all the times we flew to Sweden and back, we always travelled separately.  My work  gives me a couple of weeks off while she stays usually for about a month or a month and a half.  This was going to be our time to finally travel back together.  The second reason she probably didn't want to separate is due to my bad humor.  You see, I have for the past 10 years, have had a weird dream/feeling that I die before the age 30.  Not sure why.  Call it a strange re-accuring dream.  I mentioned this once to my wife and she always tells me its silly.  Yes, it is. But not when you are in Rome, at age 29, getting on two different planes.  Suddenly, suspicion and worry settles in and she suddenly thinks "It's Gods will" and he wants to spare her while I take the next plane into heaven.  I have to be honest, for a few moments, I thought the same thing.  Silly, but true.

They finally wisk her on the plane (while she is sobbing).   I stand there looking at the Van Damn security guy with a "hurry the fuck up" look.  Here is the problem:  It is Saturday.  Its Rome.  USCIS offices are open Monday thru Friday.  Getting someone on a phone from USCIS is like trying to get me on a phone at 4:00 a.m.  It just ain't happening.

He finally gets a hold of Billy in Honolulu.  After about 20 minutes of broken English, the security guy hangs up his 1999 blackberry and puts it on the table, folds his arms and stands silently.  

"What's going on? What did Honolulu say?"  I ask.

"We wait!" he replies.

"Wait for what? Jesus? Delivery? For you to come back from break? What exactly the hell does WE WAIT mean?"

"It means, we wait!  Honolulu is checking some things.  My battery is low.  So, they call back!"

He calmly explained. 

"Uh....battery low?  How low? Like, will it die on you while you answer the phone?  I mean, what does low mean?"

"Relax sir.  This will all work out."  He tells me.

"Oh gee.  Thanks Mr.  Van Damn.   Glad you are so confident.  Last time I checked, my plane left with MY WIFE ON IT!"

His phone rings.

"Hello?" he goes to the person on the phone from Honolulu.  "Ah ha.  Ah ha.  Yes. Yes.  Ok.  Yes. No.  No.  Yes.  uh...let me check.....Sir, you still live in the U.S. right?" he says looking at me.

"Not unless you need a new fucking roomate here in Rome" I replied.

He goes back to the call "Yes.  Yes.  ah ha...ok....sure.  sure.   yes"

What the hell is going on?  Is this his wife on the other line asking him if he can pick up some eggs and milk on the way home tonight.  What is with the Yes, Yes, sure, sure, for the last 5 minutes?

The guy finally hangs up the phone, looks at me and I shit you not, in HEBREW (my native language) says to me "Everything is fine.  Have a safe trip home and shabat shalom!"

You muther-***ker!  You were Israeli this whole effin time?  The head of security? the effin Bloodsport guy?  You were Israeli?  You been looking at my Israeli passport for the last 30 minutes.  You couldn't just tell these Alitallia people I was your cousin or something?  

Fast forward another 30 minutes and he tells me that he, and all of the other security guys are all ex-Israeli ops who get paid very well to live in Rome and do security in airports.  I guess in a way, Israel is the big brother, not the U.S.  Protecting its country from jackasses like me who travel without proper paperwork.

So Alitallia books me on the next flight to New York.  3 hours after my original plane left with my wife on it, I got booked on a flight to Newark, NJ.  Meanwhile, my wife is in the air and for all she knows, I am in Rome indefinitely.   

I sit in the waiting area cooling down.  What a nightmare.  They suddenly page me.  I walk up to the booth and  its the Alitallia manager is there again.  She has good news, which she says that Alitallia has sympathy for the fact that I had to let my wife get on a plane without me, so she will not charge me for the re-booking.  Gee, thanks.  That is sweet.

Oh yeah.  "We got bad news too.  Its your luggage.  We lost it." She says to me.

"Lost it? How many bags did you lose exaclty?"

"All of them!" she replies.

Excuse me?  How do you exactly lose 3 luggage pieces that are the sizes of  three Samoan babies?

You see, they didn't forget the luggage in Paris. Or accidently took it off the plane my wife got on and then left it somewhere.  They actually said it never left Paris and that have no idea where it is.  The luggage could be in a hotel room in Paris drinking coffee and eating cheese at this point. 

But wait..this story gets better...

I land in Newark.  Un-luggaged.  I stand in line in immigration with confidence.  Why the confidence?  Because Mr. Sean Claud back in Rome said that Billy in Honolulu said he will put a "waiver" in the system so that when I arrive in New York, I can get out of immigration without issues.  Problem is, as I later found out, Honolulu Billy, only added the waiver to JFK.  Not Newark, which is where I was standing in line at.

I get to the front of the line.  I hand over my passport.  I tell them "There should be a waiver in there" and smile.

"I don't see anything sir.  You will need to go into the immigration holding and talk to them there"

CRAP!

I go into the immigration room where we have about 30 people who all looked like a table at the UN meeting.  You got the token Ethiopian, the token Indian, the token middle eastern....oh wait, thats me.  Basically, we looked like an office Diversity Group.

Meanwhile, I want to call Swedish Sext Wife to ask if she landed ok.  Problem is  you can not use a cell phone from the immigration holding room.  This place is like the place they interview crooks on Law & Order.  Mirror/one way windows.  Brick white walls.  Low lighting.  I felt like I was about to be accused of smuggling little asian children in my luggage....oh wait, they can't nail me for that cause they STILL HAVE NOT FOUND MY LUGGAGE!

They finally call my name up.  I get up there and they start ripping me a new one.  "Do you know you can not travel without a U.S. passport? Do you know you don't have a VISA on this Israeli passport? Do you know the fine for not flying with proper papers is $582?  Do you know I hate my job?"

Wait..."What?  $582?"

"Yes sir.  It is a $582 fine"

"Ok fine.  Here is my Discover card" I handed them my credit card with its 49% interest.

"Sorry sir.  Cash only"

Are you kidding? Who the heck carries $500 in cash on a flight from Rome?  What am I?  A Miami King Pin?  Nobody carries that kind of cash on a flight unless you are Puff Daddy!

"Sorry.  I don't have $500 in cash or in my bank account.  I just came back from Paris with my wife, who I have officially lost, because she got on a different plane and you won't let me call her.  I lost my luggage, and frankly, I am about to lose $500.  So just take my credit card!"

The lady (who was on her high horse because all people who work in immigration think they are Gods) says to me "Well, you need to call your parents or a friend to bring you $582 or I can put you on the next flight back to Rome"

"Uh, my folks live in Los Angeles.  It will be a few days before they get here.  Secondly, do you have any friends you can call right now who would give you $582?  Cause I want those friends, because my friends,  will think I am playing a joke and hang up on me like I am Andy Dick looking for work."

I continued to explain to the lady about how I called USCIS and how they told me it would be ok to enter with this shitty piece of paper that is apparently worth less then a laser disk player.

Suddenly a man in a tie shows up and asks to speak to the immigration lady.  He seems to be the Boss.  This whole place is like a mafia base.  Everyone behind counters with guns.  I feel like they are selling coke on weekends here.  They both step away shortly and then the lady returns.

"Sir.  I am going to do you a favor and assume you were misinformed.  I am going to let you go without the $582 fee.  But, make sure you get  a U.S. passport before you travel next time ok?"

Wow.  You went from being the wicked witch of the west to one of the Golden Girls really fast.  Did your boss just tell you to take all the passports out of your arse?

They let me go and I took the taxi home.  On the way home, Alitallia calls me to inform me they found my luggage and it should be on the next flight to JFK.  Probably arrive same day or the next.  Great.

4 Hours later, another call from Alitallia.  This time to tell me they sent the luggage on the wrong plane to some other place in Italy.  But they are working on it and I will have it later tomorrow.  Fine.

At 11 p.m. that night, another call.  This time, they got the luggage back to Rome.  Unfortunately, someone in Rome didn't know what they were doing there so he sent them back to the original departure which is Paris.  

I almost wanted to ask if atleast I am getting the milage points for all these places my luggage is traveling to.  I hope my suitcase is taking pictures because its officially traveling more then I am.  

I briefly asked the person on the phone "If you never get my luggage to me.  What do you compensate?"

"Oh sir.  We don't compensate any money for lost luggage.  But don't worry, it will there on Monday."

Thanks for the confidence.  You said my luggage will be here 3 phone calls ago.

Our luggage DID arrive on Monday.  More then 48 hours after we left Paris. 

That is it.  As a friend of mine said "Got to love a country that lets your wife, who is NOT a citizen, into the country while keeping you, who IS a citizen, locked out of it.  God bless our system!"

And God Bless America too.