New York is a city of "Who do you know". You want to get into that hot, new, trendy club that opened up in Chelsea? Who do you know? Otherwise you are not getting in. You want to make it to that rooftop party? Who do you know? Otherwise, wait downstairs with the homeless guy who is screaming obscene language at the empty shopping cart. You want to make it into that bar that has a secret door and no name and nobody really knows what happens behind the infamous red curtains in the VIP room but you heard the rumors? Who do you know? Otherwise, go to Alphabet City and go to a local Irish Pub that sells $3 Guinness, because that's all you know.
This city is built on connections. You want a better job, you are better off connecting and networking into a new gig than to get seventeen head hunters. You want a nice, large, one bedroom in West Village for less than $3000? Better off knowing someone who is moving out and will let you slide in than getting an agent in this city. This whole city is all about WHO YOU KNOW.
This is most true when it comes to being seated for dinner at a posh new restaurant. Try going out on a friday night to a new posh eatery without reservations from 2 weeks in advance and you will end up with your hot date at the local Abatinos pizza joint ordering the "Midnight special $2 slice". No way you will get seated. Unless of course, you know someone.
This came into great realization when a buddy of mine was in town this weekend. Him, wifey and myself decided to go on out on the town and get dinner. Without reservations. Going out without reservations is like going into war without a strategy (see: Bush Administration). But somehow we felt optimistic.
It was pouring rain that night. Not the light kind of rain. It was like "movie studio, we need to fake a rain scene for a climatic hot kiss in the middle of the empty street between our hot power couple in the movie" kind of rain. You can wash your clothes if you hung them outside that night. Between the three of us, we had one umbrella. We first tried to call a few places to get reservations. The earliest reservations I found for "that" Friday was for 10:30 PM (one hostess actually told me over the phone "I can put you down for next Friday". Thanks, how does that help my current hunger pains?). So we decided to go to my buddies hotel and have the connoisseir to look up some joints. After all, in a city that is all about "who you know", the posh hotel must have friends in the posh restaurants, right? wrong. She basically said she couldn't find anything. So, we decided to treck outside and walk until we found something. We walked for 30 minutes in the pouring rain. We even settled to buying a $1.50 umbrella from the corner market (which broke in the first wind stroke that was over 8 miles an hour). We must have walked into 12 different places. They all had the same answer when we asked what the current seating time was: 45 minutes to an hour. Of course, all these places put their hostess behind a curtain, or a door, so you never really see what is going on inside.
After the hunger pains started making us talk crazy and considering pizza, we decided to go back to the hotel. They had a posh restaurant. We all know the restaurants at hotels are never really posh. They are like the winners of American Idol. You never really as popular as the "REAL" musicians. The hotel restaurants think they are as cool as the secretive joint around the corner. But it was our last resort. So we went.
We get to the hostess at the hotel restaurant and tell her "table for three please". She has the nerve to respond with "It's actually a 45 minute to an hour wait right now, or you can sit and eat at the lounge". What? How is this possible? Your bar has 5 people, 3 of them are behind the bar working! We glance into the restaurant and the place is as empty as a Paris Hilton concert venue. How can it possibly be a 45 minute wait when there is nobody inside?
We chose to go sit in the lounge. After grabbing a two seat table for three and having myself "block the fire escape" as the hostess put it, she made us move. First thing is this whole fire hazard thing with people sitting on the short end of a table. I always think of a joke by Mitch Hedgberg who said "If a fire starts, trust me, I will not be standing here, so you don't need to worry". This is so true. You are worried I am blocking the fire exit as if, in some crazy city I came from, my villagers believe that if a fire starts in a restaurant, you should remain seated while the patrons are desperately trying to escape. It is such a joy to see them get badly burned. Seriously?
Atleast this worked for our advantage. By asking us to change seats, and realizing that there were no more three seater tables in the lounge (because usually they don't have a waiter for a lounge. That is what a lounge is. I would not be surprised if lounge was french for "drink the fuck up and get out"). When the hostess realized we had nowhere to sit in her lounge, she said "I will just sit you in the restaurant". Hallelujah. Thank you great Greek hunger pain Gods.
When we got into this restaurant area, we noticed it was 40% full. 60% of it was empty. This made me realize something. Getting seated in New York is all about HYPE. You have available seats but you don't let people see it. You tell guests it is a 45 minute wait and suddenly everyone thinks its the hip place.
Later that evening, Wifey mentioned that she only noticed two waiters working the floor. So maybe that is why they had a 45 minute wait. I thought to myself that this can't be. If the restaurant is stupid enough to only schedule 2 waiters for a Friday night in Manhattan, then they don't deserve a location in Manhattan. Seriously, if you can't run a joint like a professional, get out of this city. Even the 80 year old Asian guy across the street from our apartment that speaks a total of 4 words in English runs his supermarket better than this restaurant.
So in conclusion I realized two things. The first is to never leave the house without reservations. Even if its on a Wednesday at 5:30, I swear, I am making reservations. If Wifey wants to go to get Subway, I am calling ahead.
The second thing is to stay away from Hotel Restaurants. The food was ok. The alcohol was mediocre. The wait staff was less than amateur, but over all it is not worth a 45 minute wait. If I waited 45 minutes and then got the service we did, I would probably be posting this blog on the Zagat website.
Regardless, come to this city prepared. By all means, make reservations. Unless of course, you know someone. :)
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