Dogs and German G.I.Joe

When I was a kid living in Israel, my younger brother and I used to play games.  You know, like brothers.  Where one kicks the other and then you chase eachother around in circles.

Games in Israel were similar to games that people here in America probably played, but had a twist on them so that we can relate to them better.  Like, Americans had "Cops & Robbers". Everyone remembers Cops & Robbers!  Eveyone played that.  Well, in Israel we had that game too, except it wasn't called Cops & Robbers, no!  We had Arabs & Israeli Mosad.  One kid gets to be the arab militant and the other plays an Israeli Black-ops.  

Games in Israel were very odd.  But I played them with my brother.  Even dodgeball!  America has dodgeball.  We had dodgeball in Israel too.  Except we used rocks instead.  The finals were always played at the Gaza strip I think.  Don't quote me on that.  But anyway, I digress..

So my brother.  Him and I had a playful relationship.  We'd beat eachother up in a playful way. Of course someone always gets hurt and then our mother comes and breaks it up and then I would go play by myself until, well, I hurt myself as well.

But that is what brothers do.  I have a sister and I never played with her.  Cause girls want to play with dolls (some boys do too, but when they are old single men and their dolls have air in them, but nevermind that).  I never really could play with my sister.  It would be like her holding up Barbi and Ken (Yes, in Israel we had Barbi and Ken, except they were called Shoshanna and Rabi Goldblum).   My sister would hold them up and be like "ok, now they are on a date" and all I would do is come around the table with a giant plastic tank with G.I.Joes in it and say "ok, and now the Germans are taking them hostage!".   

My sister would be like "What? What are you doing? You can't be here with G.I.Joes!  What is this?"

"We are ze Germans!  You are hiding Jews arn't you?  We know you are hiding Shoshanna and her husband! Give them up now and we will spare your life!" I would reply.

Very twisted individual I was when I was a child.

So where am I going with all this? well, I now have two dogs.  Two Chihuahuas.  I know I know. A kid who played with G.I.Joes and played Arabs and Jews as Cops and Robbers...and he ends up growing up to owning Chihuahuas.  Disgraceful. 

But I do own two Chihuahuas and they too play very much like I did with my brother when I was a kid.  They probably have their own doggy version of Cops & Robbers.  Cats & Dogs or something.  They probably always argue about who has to play the cat each time:

"You have to be cat this time"

"No I don't. You be cat"

"Well I was cat last time.  You be cat, and then next time, I'll be cat"

"Well, what if a bus runs me over tomorrow.  I will not have a next time.  I don't want the last time I play Cats & Dogs to be that I have to be the cat!"

"Hey look, fuck you man.  It's your turn to be cat so you be cat!"

This probably goes on for hours.  But my dogs do play.  They run around the house and then they have this thing where one of them hides underneath the IKEA couch (see: old couch post).   One hides and the other runs around it and barks.  The one running around just barks at the couch trying to get the other dog out from underneath it.  It is hilarious.  In my head, all I can think the one running around barking is saying to the other:

"Comon'! Come out! Come on you pussy! I'll fuck you up! You better not come out! I got a knuckle sandwich for you when you come out!" (I know, dogs don't have knuckles, just bare with me).

But seriously, its a playful thing.  They do this for like 20 minutes or so.  One hides, one barks. It's like what I heard marriage is like after 20 years.  

So today I take the dogs out on a morning walk before I leave to work.  I have to, otherwise they do their business in the house and I have to clean it up which I don't like doing unless someone is paying me.   So as we walk down the stairs I see the neighbor who lives below us. She, apparently, has a puppy in her house.  Little tiny thing.  I don't even know what breed it is. It looked like Gizmo from Gremlins.  Not the cute furry one.  It looked like Gizmo after it got water on it and became all evil!  

When I got back from the walk, my dogs begged for a cookie and I had to give it to them. After all, it is the rule of the world.  You do something good, you get something in return.  I tried to convince this to my wife, but she always tells me "No!" for when I ask for sex when we come back from IKEA.  You would think, I behaved and walked around the fucking giant living rooms (seriously, its like walking in Al Capones house) and I deal with the lines and the subway ride, and then I get home... "Where is my cookie?"

But when I returned home this morning from the walk, the dogs started playing this little game.  One ran under the couch and the other started barking.  Now, the thing that I started thinking was "Oh shit.  The neighbor!"  I was thinking that not because they may wake her up (she was obviously already up).  I was thinking that because I started to feel bad for the puppy. Imagine being only a couple of months old.  Heck, your poop still looks like rabbit poop.  You still run into table legs because you havn't got this whole "walking on four legs" thing down yet. "Is it right left, right left? cause I have 4 fucking legs!  What the hell do I do with the other two while the first two are going right and left?"

The reason I was worried about the little puppy because here are my dogs barking at eachother and like I said, for all I know they could be saying to eachother "Come out from under the couch you pussy!  I will destroy you! You little chicken shit! Come on! Come out and fight like a man!" (like a male-dog I mean).   But you know, the dogs are probably talking a whole lot of shit.  Like me and my brother did when we played as kids.  Now here is this little puppy, one floor below us and he probably has no concept of neighbors.  My dogs have the concept of neighbors, we walk DOWN the stairs, so they see people on the way down and go "oh, hey, you are the people below us who always listen to Billy Joel during sex."  My dogs get that there are people on the way down.  They even stop by the door of the neighbors below us and sniff the entrance. They know they are there.  But the little puppy who lives there has no idea my dogs live above him.  So here he is, sitting on his sofa.  Fresh to the world.  Just taking things in for the first time.  "Oh look at this.  A flip-flop.  What the fuck is that?  Should I eat it? I think I will!"   You know, he is probably just hanging out doing puppy things.

Then, he hears my dogs coming from the ceiling.  Now,  I don't know if dogs are religious.  I mean, if they believe in the whole Heaven and Hell thing.  I am sure most people would say "No!"  but it makes you think, if you had no clue that anything was above you and suddenly, out of nowhere while you are hanging out chewing on a flip-flop, you start hearing voices and those voices are coming up from above.  Not only are they coming up from above but they are talking to you.  They are calling you "pussy!" and telling you to "Get the fuck out from under the couch!".  The little puppy must be losing his mind!  "What? I -- I am not under the couch!  This is ON the couch, is it not?  I am on the couch? or under? I still don't know.  Maybe I learned this wrong, I am just a puppy! what? what? I am a pussy? what the hell does that mean?"

I mean, the little puppy downstairs is probably freaking out thinking Dog God is calling him names and challenging him to a fight.  My dogs are upstairs going "come on! Fight me you coward! Come on! Bite me! Bite me!".  Meanwhile the little neighbor dog downstairs is thinking "What the fuck is going on?  Bite who?  The owner? You want me to bite the human? but she feeds me! What? I don't understand. Fight who? I can't see you!"

It must be confusing the hell out of him.  If dogs don't believe in God (which I think they do, and they are all Jewish too.   Just like me.  Why else would they be begging for free cookies and food).  But if dogs don't believe in God, then the little puppy must think the apartment is haunted or something.  The neighbor comes home after work, her puppy is hiding in the bed. She comes over to see what's the matter and HE BITES HER!   He probably bites her then immediately goes "I'm sorry, he told me to do it!  I didn't want to but he called me a pussy and told me he would beat me up!"

Dogs are hilarious.  And so are German G.I.Joes.