I had my buddy visit over the weekend. This kid is awesome. Even more awesome is the fact that this guy has the best job ever (with the exception of the guy who oils up models at photoshoots).
My buddy has a job working for the Robb Report. I was not sure what that was but then I picked one up at an airport and realized its like a Maxim magazine for rich men. Seriously. It has everything and anything you and I can never afford (yes, I know you can not afford it because if you could, you wouldn't be wasting time reading this blog now would you?). I mean really, they should not even call it the Robb Report. It should be like "Here Is The Coolest Shit Ever And You Can't Fuckin' Have It Report" magazine. I mean, some of the things in there were like straight out of a James Bond movie. "Oh, here is a watch that can be used as a toaster! Only $49,000".
I am not sure who reads these magazines. Obviously rich people, but I would think rich people don't even bother reading. They probably have people working for them and they just say "Hilda! Take this magazine and read it. Then come back to me and tell me what I should buy. Then go to Julius and tell him to order it. When it arrives, tell Burton to play with it and have him tell me what it was like. I am too rich to use my own toys."
Either way, people must read it because my buddy has a full time job there. So what does my buddy do? He test drives cars for the magazine and then writes reviews about it. That is the coolest thing ever. I wish they could do this stuff on Facebook for example. Someone goes on a date with a chick, then writes a review and that way, other dudes can decide if she is worth dating.
"The new Sarah Fartelli is fun and sophisticated. My only issue is that her mood takes sharp turns and heads for the worst. When she asked about my previous relationships, I tried to slam the breaks but to no luck and went straight into stories I thought I left behind in deep dark places. She handles well when I took her out for a test drive but over all, I think she is not that much different then the Sarah Fartelli Ex Series. I think you all are better waiting for the next version or just go and get yourself the new Monica Seduction Series. Much cheaper and has a top that comes off...and who doesn't enjoy that!"
Anyway, my buddy was sent here to NYC to test drive some hot new car that I will never be able to afford let alone pronounce correctly. I am still not sure if its Jaguar, or Jag-You-Are (as in Jack You Off), or Jag-uaray....same thing with Porche. Porshe'. Pur-sh. I don't know. That is why I like things like the Kia Sportage. Anyone can say it. Sportage. Easy. It's not Sport-a-ge'. Just effin' Sportage!
So he stays at my place and we hang out. We go out to check out NY one day and we jump to the MET. For those who don't know, the MET is the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Not to be confused with the Metro Museum for the subways or the Metro Sexual Museum for those who are straight but still in-touch with their feminine side.
For anyone who has not visited the MET, you should know that there is no official cover charge. The admission is by donations. Now they have "suggested" donation of $20. I would suggest people try wrestling a bear at least once in their life, that don't necessarily make it a good idea.
The thing with "suggested" is that its what the owners think it should be. Well, I think my artwork is worth $5000 dollars, but I wouldn't sell it for that much because then I would be living in a cardboard box at the 42nd street station with a shitload of artwork. Here is the thing, if its by donations, you can't get mad at me if I hand over $3 to you instead of a $20.
You ever had a friend invite you out and you said "maybe, not sure yet" and then something came up and you didn't go out with them? Well, if they got mad at you for that then they are a shitty friend. Because you never promised anything. You gave the word that you "may or may not". Same goes with the MET. I may or may not give you a $20, but if I don't, don't get all mad at me and give me that look. You know the look, the one you used to get from your siblings whenever you found the "Afikoman" on Passover. It's the "I fuckin' hate you right now" look.
So my buddy and I were trying to figure out what we should donate. He was like "Should we give them a $10?" and I was like "Each? Are you crazy? Maybe $10 for both. Or $10 for you, me and that group of boy-scouts and the 8 seniors behind us".
You see, I don't think I NEED to give a $20 or even a $10. It reads donation. I could by all means show up to the damn thing with an old lamp, some used pans and a crate of Barbra Streisand records. Just donate that and let them open up a garage sale right infront of the Jeff Koons piece.
By the way, total side bar note here: If you haven't seen the Koons stuff on the roof, go check it out. Big, giant balloon dog. If Godzilla and King Kong had a bastard love-child and a luxury apartment on the Upper East Side, and then on a saturday afternoon in July, Mr. and Mrs. Kong decided to take their overweight, short tempered child to Central Park, I would imagine this is what they would buy him to stop him from killing people there. It is visually neat. Although I am really curious where he put the thing before he gave it to the MET. Like, as he was working on it. I can only imagine the directors of the MET coming over to his studio and he shows them the work he is making for the first time. One of the directors is probably like "This is fantastic Mr. Koons. Very well done I must say." Meanwhile, the other director who is a bit of a jack ass probably follows up with "Can you make me a pony? like a giant balloon pony? Cause I don't like dogs. To be honest, dogs are lame. Everyone does dogs. Dogs playing poker, dogs eating pasta. It's been done. Art has done dogs. Do something new. You know what? You should do a giant Barosaurus! Just a big fuckin' Barosaurus fighting a T-Rex. And you can put like pieces of other Barosaurus like as if he poped other ones with is teeth. It will be fantastic!"
Meanwhile Jeff Koons is probably saying "What the hell are you smoking?"
But anyway, donation! So, me and my buddy are trying to figure out how much to put in this thing because you don't want to be disappointed. You know? It's like a movie. Atleast with a movie you see a trailer. Or you can know ahead of time if it is going to be good. But, here, I am committing for $10 to $20 and I am not sure how great the show will be. I mean, its like going to a strip club during a blackout. I wouldn't be throwing my bills at someone if I didn't know if she is really doing what she claims she's doing. I want to see someone climb a poll using their kanckles (Knee/ankles for the hip talk illiterate). I would never be like "I can't see you, but here is a $5". Sorry. That's where the saying "No Cash, No Ass" comes from. Not sure if its an actual saying, but someone once said that to me and I figured it was legit. But that's another story.
So my friend finally convinces me to pay the student "suggested" price which was $10. Cause everyone knows that its ok to be nice, as long as you are lying. He would rather me lie and say I was a student, and give the MET what they suggested they wanted, then seeing me keeping it real and giving them $2 and some food stamps.
We got into the MET and saw some really goddi stuff. Like, chairs and beds that were owned by Kings and emperors. It was like a 16th century Robb Report. Like back then they had a periodical that would come out called "Sir. Robb The III Report" and it has a crap load of stuff peasants can't afford. Probably a guy just like my buddy test driving the new carriage. "I give this new Z-23 Carriage, four beer barrels. It handled great when I was being chased by dragons and the wheel took a passed out peasants head right off when I drove over him."
The MET was cool. Some naked statues. Not really into that. It's like being at a strip club in the summer. Nobody wants to dance. Just stand there.
Overall, it was cool. They claim to have a bar on the roof where the Koons baby Kongzilla toys are. But really, it was a table with like 2 bottles and some ice coffee.
Was it worth the $10? Probably. Although I would have paid less and then wouldn't have felt weird about leaving early. It was fun. I do recommend it. If you don't have time, just pick up a copy of the Robb Report. It's just like the MET. A bunch of stuff you will never have.
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