Vacation Before The Vacation.

The wife left a week ago to Sweden. Visit family, drink some vodka, feed a moose. I am not exactly sure what she does in the real life version of the Shire. Filled with Frodos and unicorns.

I am going to join the wife soon at the home of the IKEA corporate office. But for now, I am here. And in the same way that I have no idea what it is she does before I get there, she has no clue what I do. Until now.

You see, a man needs a vacation. He works hard, monday through Friday (although my fridays are kind of spaced out usually). I work long hours. I work hard. When I take a vacation, I want to just let go. BUT!!!!

But, because we will be in Sweden, staying at the home of her parents, there are a lot of things I can not do. I can't really cook naked or fart during dinner. Yes, I know I am totally gross right now, but there is a point to all this I promise.

So while my wife is in the Swedish Meatball factory, I chose to let go while at home here in New York and be what I know I can't be once I begin my vacation. Call it, the mini-vacation or the vacation before the vacation or vacation practice.

Some of the things I have been able to pull off this past week (which might I add I could never pull off if the wife was here because I am scared of her):

1. I burp alot. I try to not burp when I am around my wife or her family. Every once in a while one tries to escape like Tim Robbins in the Shawshank Redemption. But I usually manage to shut my mouth, cover it with a hand or distract her by dropping and breaking a glass off the table. Now, with her miles away, I burp and I burp loud and proud. I scare my dogs. Hell, I would scare little children if they lived in the same building.

2. Another thing I have done this past week is eat whatever I want. My wife is the common sense in this family. I tend to brush my teeth before bed and then somehow get hungry or thirsty and when I reach for that grape juice at 11:40 p.m. she always says "you just brushed your teeth. If you drink that, you will have to brush them again". You see, that is called common sense. I, unfortunately was born with a rare sickness that destroyed all the little things in my brain that makes common sense and I have grown up...sensless. Because of that, I now drink and eat all hours of the night. Mostly unhealthy stuff. Except for Tuesday when I had a craving for a mango at like 10:30 at night. Go figure. Now sure, one might say that it is bad to eat all hour of the night, but I just blame it on depression for having to deal with the fact that my common sense is on the opposite side of the world at 6 hours ahead of me. Which is ironic, because until I met her, my common sense used to be 6 hours behind. I would do something, and 6 hours later realize "hey, I shouldn't have done that". If my wife was really good, she should have been able to call me 6 hours before I ate that ice cream in lastnight and warn me "6 hours from now you will want Ice Cream. Do not eat it!" Then maybe I would be a bit better. You see, its not all my fault after all!

3. I have watched a LOT of 80's movies. Yes. My wife is from the 80's. She was born in the 80's and therefor has a lack of appreciation for things from the 80's like Flock of Seaguls or the movie Weird Science. This all makes sense of course. I was born in the 70's and I could care less for discotechs and giant collard shirts. But, I do love 80's movies and 80's music. Hence why 80's movies are so rad cause the soundtrack is all stuff from the 80's. Best Combo Ever!
In the past week I watched Real Genius, Weird Science, Ferris Beuller's Day Off, Fast Times, Lost Boys, Gremlin, Star Wars, and Eddie Murpys Raw and Delirious. All in one week. This is hand's down the most 80's I have put into my head since well...1989.
Best line in Real Genius: "This. This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This. This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated."

4. I spend a lot of time convincing myself I should clean the dishes, only to later convince myself that the dishes actually enjoy staying dirty and heck....to not make them feel bad, I should also not be clean. Hence, no shower for me or the dishes damn it. I refuse to offend my dishes.

5. I have looked at myself in the mirror way more then the average person should. Counting hairs on my mustache, or figuring out if that white hair on my beard is really white or just covered in cream cheese (it was).

So as you can see, once I get to Sweden, all this will be over and I will have to shave, shower, do dishes, eat healthy and resort to good ol' 21st century Swedish movies. I wonder if they have "Best Of The Best" dubbed in Swedish. Now that would be totally worth the trip.

Anyway, excuse me if I grossed you out, and to my wife, you deserve a gold trophy for being married to me. It is not easy. I spent 7 days with myself and I am already annoyed with me. Heck, their was a good 3 hours on Monday where I threw myself out of the apartment because I just couldn't deal with myself anymore. I love you and I will be on my best behavior once I land.