From A-Holes to A-Rods

Yesterday was the All-Star parade here in NYC.  It seems like New York has a parade every 3 days.  A Puerto Rican Parade, A Jewish Parade, a Gay Pride Parade, a Gay Pride Parade For Jewish and Puerto Rican lovers, A Parade for half Jewish/Half Puerto Rican Gay Men Parade.  This place has more parades then Germans have porn directors.   

The parade was outside my office at Bryant Park and with it, thousands of baseball fans wearing hats, jerseys, and holding their children who should be in class. Whenever a parade takes up a few blocks in NYC, the NYPD shows up as if it was ground zero. One cop, every few feet, and all just not giving a $&#@.  Don't get me wrong.  I appreciate the NYPD and the fine officers in this city that DO work hard. Its the other percent of them that are lazy and act like idiots and just don't give a shit.  New Jack City my arse!!! I have yet to see one cop helping a crackhead to beat his addiction only to add him to the police force to take down Westly Snipes in a white wedding shoot out.  But I digress..

As my wife is traveling her homeland, I go home to feed and walk the dogs every day at lunch.  

Its the same as I do when my wife IS here, just without the whole "me-begging-her-for-a-nooner-while-she-laughs-at-me-and-goes-on-watching-days-of-our-lives" kind of lunch break.

So I went to feed the dogs early and when I headed back to the office, the parade was in full affect.  Thousands of people trying to see A-Rod's a-rod, or screaming for Madonnas number.

I on the other hand, just wanted to get back to the office where the airconditioner is on.  Unfortunately, the NYPD wanted to make my life difficult.

I first attempted to get into 40th street at 5th Ave.  In front of the Library.   Cop says to me "go over to the corner, they can let you in over there".   So I walk to the corner where another cop sits.  "I need to get to work!".  He replied with "You can't get in thru here.  You have to go down 39th and 6th".  "But my office is right there!" I said to him while pointing.  "Yeh, that still does not change anything.  39th and 6th!" and he points toward 39th.  Fine!

I walked to 39th and 6th.  Another officer sitting on his ass checking out his cell phone.  "I need to get to my office, it is right there on 40th"  I tell the guy.  He does not even bother to look up at me and says "Can't come thru here.  You have to go to 7th avenue".   I could have been Osama Fuckin Bin Hitler and the guy wouldn't even notice.  All the time just texting.   "I was on 5th and 40th, they told me to come to 39th and 6th.  This is 39th and 6th, so..."   He raised his head with a face of do you know who I am? type look.  "7th ave.  You can't get in here."

FINE!

I walk down to 39th and 7th.  Young cop.  I swear, I could take his ass down if I have to.  I decided to just walk past him.  I walked passed the blue 2 by 4 (which apparently is the NYPD protection for celebrities and anything else against things like angry mobs, tanks or missles.  a blue 2 by 4.  Brilliant protection plan there).   the cop stops me "You can't come in here!"  

I looked at him with a  do-you-know-who-I-AM!?! look.  "My office is right there. I went to 40th and 5th they told me to go to 40th and 6th.  I went to 40th and 6th and they told me to come to 7th.  This is 7th, I am going to my office!"

"You can't come thru here sir.  You have to go to 42 and 7th"

Are you fuckin kidding me?  That is the opposite end of the park.  That is 2 blocks AWAY from my office you moron!  I decided to not care and continue walking.  He stepped in front of me.  

"Dude.  My office is right there!  LOOK AT ME! I am in a  suit! You think I would make myself look this good for A-Rod?  I don't give a poodles butt about baseball"

Yes, I did start using profanity, which was probably a bad idea but I was sweaty, hot and annoyed at this point.  

"Sir.  You need to not use that kind of language.  Now like I said, you have to go to 42nd and 7th" he responds with a stern voice.

I did what any person under pressure by police would do.  I made a go for it.  I started to walk stright toward the office.  

The cop looked at me with a WTF you think you doing? look.  He placed the palm of his hand on my chest and said "SIR! DO NOT MAKE ME USE FORCE! NOW I NEED YOU TO GET BACK TO THE SIDEWALK!"

"Look! I need to get to my office, I don't care about baseball.   I don't care about Yankees, I don't care about taking photos of  them sitting in 67 chevy!"

The officer started to show some compassion: "Do you have a business card with the address on it?"

Are you kidding? No! I went to feed Chiuahuah's.  Not meet with Donald Trump!  Although, my response was a lot more subtle and just said "no officer. I don't.  But I could call the receptionist."

He looked at me and said "How do I know that's a receptionist, that could be anyone!"

Right, officer.  Cause before I walked here, I made a grand, Shawshank Redemtion/The Great Escape type plan where I have a lady sitting somewhere in an empty warehouse in Jersey waiting on my to call her and have her pretend to be a receptionist just so I can get to the front of the parade.  I gave the cop a Are You A Moron? look.  He understood.

The cop slid to the right and said "Just go.  Hurry up!"

I squeezed by and started to walk toward the chaos which was outside my office.  In my head I was so tempted to turn back and yell back to him "You idiot! I don't really work here! I just wanted to see A-Rod!"  But I didn't.  It's one thing to almost get yourself arrested from wanting to go to work.  Its another to call in a 2:00 p.m. conference call using your one phone call from a a downtown station.